Peace is My Weapon You want to fight? Good. Go ahead. I wont stop you infact I wont lift a finger to help you. You there, huff and puff while I sit in the shade watching the clock go tick, tick, tick. Not done? Good. Let me then lay a little in the sun tell me when you are done playing the Hun. Tell me when you are ready to take up peace and bury the poison in your heart, so we can have a clean start.
Grow Into Yourself. It burns! Like hell sulfur. Limbs torn assunder. With each blunder guilt knifes me. Blood corrupted springs free to flow into a sea of redemption. Can I grow into me? Can I be free? Guilt a strict taskmaster. Too stern to cuddle a wayward child like me. Fire now tears into my flesh. Is this how it feels to grow?
Knock It out Your Way It may get messy but don't be afraid to kick it out the way. They may say that it's not how you play the game but so what. Take the chance to get back control before your lose your soul in the blackhole of regret. To succeed it must be agreed that you have to strike first. Don't lie with fear and rise with despair take control and take hold of what you need. Knock all the doubts out of your way and keep them under your feet.
Shame of Pride I hang my head in shame a shame milady. Beaten by the truth. Pride. The deadlest of all sins. Hubris leads me to my nemesis. No it's not a good thing I now fear looking within my very soul is in the balance waiting at the gallows. I must pull it back and cage this monster that sits atop my head. Who is greater than God? No man! Today I will learn that i am not. To think otherwise will set you down low. Instead I must cling to my shipwrecked raft drifting praying to be saved. I must be saved from drowining. I have not choice with Pride I carry the shame of Icarus.
Cognitive Dissonance Should I sit or stand mi caah bother speak well look well be well you are your own master. hustle hustle hustle got to stay in the race. to be a tough rock or a tender grass "oh what a rat race, yeah!" "Got to be true to myself" - but be like everyone else. yes? Got to get up when told so people will see that I am good at taking orders. I will be free but maybe... maybe to much freedom is dangerous? I must cry! I must scream! I must set the place on fire! I must whisper or whimper Spit my Seething displeasure vomit up howling disappointments. Be calm and say nothing - remain respectful all the time... I am hurt healed I am a monster beautifully made imagined real blinded by a light that makes me see clearly. regurgitated slugs hang suspended mouth ready to devour spare a prayer... scabs at all stages congealed across picket lines... Ineffable incandescent beauty illuminates Gossamer A web of lies fleeting like a butterfly's fragile wings. "Oh what tangled webs we weave" until we have no silks to hypnotize but regrets borne from grieve.
I have found it difficult over the years to protect my peace of mind and to stay sane. There are persons in our lives – some well intentioned, others not- who constantly threaten our overall well being. They come with demands, expectations and problems and you feel you must address them. Before you know it you have taken on more than you can chew and find yourself choking. You look around and find no one to save you, to perform the Heimlich and you panic wondering how you can save yourself. The analogy above seems a bit extreme even overly dramatic but, there are many persons who leave themselves opened to being so frazzled by live and people that they end up feeling as if they’re always on the edge of doom.
When I was smaller my granny once asked me why I can never say no to any question asked -especially when it comes to food! Being cheeky I immediately responded, no! However, this has become true in instances where I should say no, dangerous instances when I have made decisions that continue to haunt me to this day. This penchant for saying yes to everyone and everything – especially when I know I should not – has affected my mental wellbeing overtime to the degree where I struggle with making the simplest of decision because I am afraid of history repeating itself, afraid to fail once again, afraid of being so disappointed that I could have another mental breakdown…
So I am slowly working on creating a safe space, internally and externally, that will protect my peace of mind. Sometimes when you are really good at something you are rewarded somehow for that or those talents that you have. Often time, in my experience anyway, I note that more pressure is applied more expectations and little or no reward is returned. If you are not careful, you become the expert you is attached to that expertise and your fragility is disregarded. If you are not careful, persons begin to expect you to carry them, because “oh I can’t do this and you are good at it, so help me here,” becomes “do this for me , send this, I tried but only you can do it”. You end up exhausting yourself trying not to disappoint everyone and keeping that halo others have knighted you with. So, the task now is to use my talents to help and not carry others. To say no when I realise that my kindness has become a weapon against me. What about you?
Since this pandemic I have spent a little more time away from certain people and I realise this is a good thing. Through this semi-isolation period I have come to realise that the presence of some persons only serve to make me more anxious, less productive and less happy. So I don’t call, they don’t call and we are all happier that way. I also no longer watch things that cause me anxiety, like the news or go on certain social media sites . I realised I was caring too much about things that did not matter, getting angry and anxious when I really should be taking the time to focusing on the things that really matter in my life, things that would impact me now. Instead I have withdrawn somewhat from looking outward and trying to find happiness in the people and things around me and really thinking about how I can control the things I can control. I can control me, my thoughts, my action and my sense of well being, but, it takes time and it takes will power.
You want people to think the best of you – or not it depends on your state of mind. Many persons want to be liked, to be admired to be recognised for doing good, for being good. However, for me this is no longer important, instead what I want to do is protect my peace of mind. This may mean offending others or may be perceived as offensive to other but you can never please everyone; therefore, we need to have a greater sense of being in control instead of allowing ourselves to be controlled by external forces and influences that have their agendas.
And if you try to find that peace and become swept away by the chaos around, reach for that shipwrecked debris to stay afloat, drift your own way and ask yourself, “Where is my peace in the midst of this chaos?”
When you see all your faults mirrored in someone else
it becomes clear.
We are not what we think we are.
When the monster you are looking at is yourself,
somehow the Hans version of the fairy tale
becomes the reality.
What stands before you is the monster you tried to deny.
The one coming up
when you thought you slayed it.
What a train wreck of a reality,
so much so that it's hard to look away.
You cower in fear at how ruthless you can be.
You stand paralyzed by the evidence of your vicious intent.
When you can look no more,
can listen no more
see no more
you either surrender to it
slay it one last time.