Crazy Bud

Crazy Bud

Look at you!
Wow!
Is that you?
Really you?
Well well well
you really made it
didn't you?
You did the impossible - 
but you're crazy after all.

An embryo too tightly wound
to show the beauty you carried
axil fragile
likely to break
but you held on
stubbornly.
You had no power to conquer the mind
but you wait to conquer the heart.
Though you came in slow
your growth was sure
and so we waited
and look!
Here you are.
No resting bud 
are you
to be deceived by the coming cold
you fought through storm and sleet
to whorl most boldly.

You did your best
passed all your tests
and trials
to bloom 
and strike 
and die
to make way for another,
someday.

Bored… Uninspired?

Maybe you feel the your life is in the dumpster, because everything is in the dumpster. Maybe it is that being in quarantine, restrictions in your movement has stifled your enthusiasm for life. Maybe you feel that life is just one never ending corner that you having trying to get around, to no avail. You look around, and in many ways you feel bored with your life. Maybe, you have even questioned why you should even care about anything.

We look at our phones and see yet another person celebrating another achievement, then look in the mirror and question the image looking back, “what are you doing with your life? Pathetic”. Then onto Instagram or even Facebook we go and see many perfect (or so it seems to many) images that further flings us in great distress at our ordinariness. But we do not stop looking. Too many persons continue to torment themselves by looking at these highlight reels that never reflect small fragments of that person’s life – those highlight reels.

We too lie comatose as we try to recapture moments in our lives that mattered, while we ignore the life we must live. We want to experience those times before covid when we were innocent and free. But if we look close enough we would realise that even then we complained some more bitterly than others of how bored we are with our lot and how little we had achieved. we may see highlight reels of events that seems so exciting and so real but which often times would evaporate in thin air when we try to reach for them to touch them.

But what if we stopped focusing on what our lives is not and appreciate what it is. If we flipped the switch and begin to see every our lives as just that our lives. Instead of waiting to live your real lives and until things get back to normal, let us make choices that will allow us to enjoy all those ordinary moments. Moments when we say and do the wrong things but also when we get things right. When our choices brings positive results even if no one knows we did that – we know and we just have to be content with that. We have to make our ordinary extraordinary by stop looking behind at those moments that have been captured on the reel of our lives and we have to stop looking down at those highlight reels that not even those in the frame can maintain.

So though many of us feel bored with life right now, a little vexed – or a lot vexed – by all we have to deal with, take a walk, have a laugh, work on something that you love doing or that will help you to move forward. But whether bored by the restrictions imposed because of covid or whether you have been stung by your judgmental inside eyes that look out and compare, there is nothing gained in allowing your view of yourself to stymie the potential that you have and the richness of your life now and that which is yet to be realised. Maybe we need to get off or reduce our consumption of social media, stop straining our necks to see in someone else’s lane and just appreciate the good things that this year has given – life lessons and good people who stuck by no matter what.

Maybe when we choose to open ourselves a little more to possibilities we will see that there a many little things that can make our lives exciting and rewarding in its own special way.

Photo by Bich Tran on Pexels.com

No one Left Behind

No One Left Behind

Before now
I had to let you go.
Till now
You carried your own load.
From then
You mended your own wounds.
That time
you bobbed and weaved
hungry
dead
destroyed
broken.

And now
a hand reaches out to you
from now 
the light beats out the cold
Here now
your moment arrives to prosper.
A moment
strength lifts you high
new
renewed
filled
mended
restored.

The cold slips right off
nothing touches you
there are no gaps
no hole for forced entry.
gathered together like sand grains pulled out to sea
we cling together
finally free.

Emotions: if they control us, they destroy us.

Tensions are running high and our emotions are sustaining us, while fueling a fire that will consume us – if we let it. If everything we do revolves around how we feel then we are never in control. We become slaves to our emotions, where wrong becomes right and right becomes wrong and we never acknowledge or know the difference. When we are up we reach beyond the universe but when we are down we are buried in the deepest and darkest pit imaginable. This is no way to live.

When you are constantly on edge and your nerves so frazzled that your brain short circuits and makes you a hulking shivering mess, useful to everyone most of all yourself. These emotions that you may have once thrived on to get you by, have turned on you and you become their victims, trapped in a constant roller coaster of emotions. Before you know it, you are not thinking clearly, which means you cannot act decisively and you become immobile, drowning because of those emotions.

The battle is real, with landmines everywhere, the likelihood of being blown to pieces an almost sure possibility. To do everything based on how you feel each day could be doing a lot and getting nothing done, that is how harmful succumbing to our emotions can be. Those sleepless nights and binge eating sessions, are directly linked to those raging emotions – even those you think aren’t a threat. We have to see them for what they can become, a monster like Godzilla almost impossible to contain.

However, we can begin to reign it in, though it may not be easy. It is especially hard if you have become reliant on them to be companions in life, when you let them in but refuse to let them back out. They become larger than life because we give in and give up without putting up a challenge. It is only when we can find a way to take back control that we can know peace enough to be content. We just need to acknowledge that we have a problem and seek help outside of our narrow world of destructive emotions; from a source greater than ourselves.

Emotion

I see deeply into your very soul
you cannot hide from me
I hold you prisoner
you cannot escape me.
I speak you but you cannot see me
you feel so confused
I change, shift, slip and twist
every which way.

Can you truly conquer me? 

Clawing Back.

It may be that you are feeling suffocated by the uncertain buble in which you exist. You may feel buried alive unable to see how far gone you are, but knowing you are about to run out of air. How can you crawl your way out of this mess?

It surely will take supernatural powers- powers you don’t have. So now what? Well you may have a small plastic fork from that dinner you did not consume. It look feeble, almost ready to break, but hey, it’s all you’ve got. But no, it cannot be that you must use this feeble tool, so you wait. As you wait for your saviour you begin to get delirious. You forget that the space you occupy is so confining that you begin to stretch, only to be reminded by the sudden collapse of your lungs; what to do? Oh what do you do?

You spent so much precious time dreaming of being free, of stretching wide and far, of being carefree. It almost becomes too late and it will be too late, if you don’t get going soon. As you lay there inactive undecided and immovable, there is a constant sticking in your back – sharp enough to pierce your skin and draw blood. Suddenly you wonder if your first die from losing blood or affixation. Just when you embrace the possibility of one or both, cold water is poured on you one last time. Enough to wake you up. You must take this reprieve. It’s all you’ve got. You reach for that weapon and realise it is that stupid fork! But it’s all you’ve got.

So you start digging, trying to make your way. It takes hours, upon hours. Days upon endless days. Little by painstaking little you make progress. Will the earth cave in, swallow me whole? Well you have to continue, either way you will die, make no mistake. So you continue, your harms get so weak, you can barley – but you must continue. You dry to wet your lips but you realise that you are so parched that your tongue has grown tiger like papillae and you draw blood. But you must go one, this chance is all you’ve got. As your blood seeps in front of your vision, you wipe it and continue, there is no time to mourn the loss of life. You must contine.

Frazzled to the bone, no surrender you see a small hole. The aquifer that contains you is ready to release you. You dig enough so you can pour out, to see what lies beyond.

I Don’t Want to Exist, I Want to Live!

If you died today what would your legacy be? I have thought about this and for me it is still up in the air. I guess it’s not up to me to answer that question; time will tell and so will my eulogy. I realise that sometimes the view we have ourselves differ greatly from the view others have of us. Some feel the need to write their own eulogy, just to be sure. I have been teaching for thirteen years and I often wonder if I have done enough with all the wonderful talents I have been blessed. Have I done enough? Been enough, seen enough, lived enpugh!? Can these questions ever be satisfactorily answered?

There was a time that I was so passionate about what I did and I did my best to do what I did. However, as time goes by and the expectations of critics are not met, they begin to chip away at the budding confidence you had in your ability. They look and note that you have not ascended to the lofty heights they thought you would reach and they tell you; so, you begin to question whether or not you really did anything, whether what you did was enough. It becomes especially hard when you see others who have done so many things that they have been recognised for and you begin to lose confidence in the little things you once thought were so great. May, you now feel, you are placed in a waiting room, because you disobeyed your call to action from God, then you begin to wonder if you are just drifting away.

But all I want to do is just live. I just want to live the kind of life I was intended to live, without fear worry or tears to cloud my vision. That is it, that is all. I don’t want the fame and I don’t want the fortune and don’t need the empty promises of who I could have been. In this moment without any more regrets and doubts about my place here at this time in history, I just want to live. This desire comes from a place that has never had time to heal properly from past wounds, it is too raw to touch, yet it yearns for sunlight. Above everything that this world could offer, all I desire is a chance to truly live a life free of expectations and perceptions, stereotypes and stereotypes. I want to inhale deeply and exhale freely and feel my heart swell with the joy of knowing that I have this gift that is worth more than silver and gold. We all need to just live and be allowed to live and any attempt to derail this is a crime against our humanity

There are so many landmines that people have to go through in this world, and many do not make it. There are unique problems that we each face that threaten our ability to live, some more than others. It is easy to become disenchanted by all the rocky mountains with loose rocks that come at our heads before we thinking about climbing those mountains. At the heart of everything is the one unchangeable truth, nothing is more precious than life. Nothing requires our full attention, but the desire to live.

Before we think of death, we have to deal with the business of how we will keep on living. We have to be aware of the value not only of our right to live but the right of all persons to live the life they have been given by God. It is a right that many are denied , a right that many do not know they have, right that should never be hijacked or denied. We should also keep in mind that we do not only fight to live, we also fight to realise the joy of truly be alive!

No Hiding.

The more you hide, the less you’re seen, the less likely it is for you to shine when it’s your time to shine.

Sometimes it seems like a good idea to hide the flaws. But sometimes the flaws can turn out to be the blessing that we need. It can be the thing that separates a someone from an everyone. I use to like sitting back and let everyone else do the talking and make the plans and I just go along. But I have learned that you can’t hide behind everyone, all the time. One day, if only for that one time you will not have the human shields that keep you from answering the hard questions and making the tough decisions. Being anonymous is a great place to be for those who do not like the lime light. However, if in the act of reaching the goals you have set, you you have to take the spotlight, hiding may hinder you from seeing clearly what you should grab a hold of.

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It also make it easier for someone to be ignored, even if everyone can clearly see you. Even if it is clear how talented you are and how invaluable your contribution, there are many more less capable and talented persons who are willing to make the noise that will lead to change. Therefore, while someone is there resting in the knowledge of their worth, it just may not be enough to be recognized; sometimes there is necessary noise to be made:

While silence is golden, noise can tell the true story.

Don’ hide your light under a bushel (Matt. 5: 15-16). Sometimes it seems like it’s being humble to do this. We tell ourselves that we are modest and therefore being good. But, this can be an excuse to do nothing, in order not to be judged or accused of anything unpleasant. Hiding becomes a way to be present but absent at the same time. No one can say we are not there, but no one can accuse of doing anything while there.

Hiding can become a way to deny who you are and that can be a limiting experience. Regret not only comes from not doing what you want to do but also being what everyone expects you to be, except yourself. It’s best to stop, when hiding becomes a hazard to prevents you from living life to the fullest.

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