I Can Only Imagine I can only Imagine all the pain you went through all the doubts that defeated you when you needed to fight that's when you withdrew and life continued to remind you the only way to survive is to be true to you. I can only imagine how great the burden was bent double from wretched sobs of loss and despair. I can only imagine how alone you felt there were many but not that one friend who could give you a hand no judging just to understand that you were weak foolish yes, but not a freak or abomination. I can only imagine how you struggled to stay alive not knowing how to survive the greatest blow you ever received. How even now you don't know how how much grace you can allow because nothing can ever be the same.
Trying to Let Go I cling tighter to a sliver of the memory that contains the moments to my recovery. Crates created by the passion of my loss for a time hard won when the battle was fierce with the promise of victory. Are these tears? Am I really crying? Or am I dying? bittersweet moments I wish for all my days but now that now my gaze must look North and not South. But how can I let go? What must I do with those sweet moments of release of death and grime? It was the best in my life! How can I take the dive in these murky waters alone and unprotected. I must leave it all behind though let go! Or drown by its weight now my foe
The Imposter Look at them, innocent lambs to the slaughter of my decay. They think they know but no they don't know the carnage I can bring. I have killed before and may do so once again. They don't know I can suck them dry and make them just like me. "Beware of false prophets" for they too like you are blind to devil's tricks. I too was blinded and have yet to recover my eyes and so must follow a distant voice. Don't tell me I achieved through blood sweat and tears all that I have achieved - the agony of the truth is too much to bear I must not share the burden of not belonging. I look in the water and for a second see myself, then the pebbles come along to remind me to retreat once more back on the shelf, a lonely hallow place, where I belong, because I do not belong, incompetent as I am, to anywhere else.
Smile Through Them Tears Yes, I know it hurts, I know you are raw from being beaten too long and too much. I know you are stiff already set in the grave your lips refuse to move when you are at the edge of the cliff. I know the rain has left you to gallivant somewhere else to bless and bring success to somebody else. I know you can't stop them anymore. So cry if you want to let it flow down and cover your view of possibilities. Get it all out, who knows, it may stop the drought and the doubts. Then maybe you can go about the business you came here to do.
Too much has been happening it seems lately: too many activities, too many disappointments, too much doubting of myself and too many dark thoughts to keep me down. So I am taking a break. I am going to turn off, walk away from and avoid all those things that make me feel anxious, sad and hopeless.
Yes, this can happen to anyone and there is a breaking point. I think I have reached that breaking point and before I am broken like brittle bones, devoid of the vital nutrients needed to thrive, I have decided to start by taking a break from social media. Since working mostly from home, over a year now, I realize that I have become dependent on social media for companionship, for entertainment, news and a pastime activities that fill points of my day that seem empty – even though the work is there piling up until I cannot ignore it or a deadline is approaching then I stress myself out to get it done. My anxieties, depression and fears were being fed by those seemingly informative medias that made me wonder, now that I am no longer engaged, how I went down those rabbit holes.
Going down the rabbit hole is surprisingly easy. However, when you begin to suffocate down there and you want to get out it is annoyingly hard to find your way back to a place where you feel comfortable once more. But The first part of getting out turns out to be the hardest, and that is actually stepping back. There are so many reasons to stay connected but when the connection feeds the monsters inside that tear you a part piece by piece then we have to dig in and fight to disconnect. The highs and lows can be too much and when you wake up in a good mood and end your day crying because of what you consume on those different platforms then it is necessary to sign off. For the past couple of weeks that has been me to a “T” and now I am mentally and physically tired – not to mention the strain of work, a remedy for disaster.
So, for eight days I will not be on social media unless it is for work. When those eight days end I will decide if I should extend the break and whether I want to make the break more extreme. I now realizing that what is most important to me, is my sanity. Being active on social media does not give that to me. We each have to find what works for us in protecting our sense of well being and mental Health.