The Hikikomori Way

The Hikikomori Way

Is there nothing more
to being alive?

Than to work
and work and work.
Until all our life force
is used up
and then we return to the dust.

Will we die from the shame?

We are not better my friends
than the birds in the sky
at least they fly
before the most die.

there must be more 
to our lives -
I must know this.

But to find out -
the welcoming shadowy doubts - 
I must resist.

I Can Only Imagine

I Can Only Imagine

I can only Imagine
all the pain you went through
all the doubts that defeated you
when you needed to fight
that's when you withdrew
and life continued to remind you
the only way to survive
is to be true to you.

I can only imagine
how great the burden was
bent double from wretched sobs
of loss and despair.

I can only imagine
how alone you felt
there were many
but not that one friend
who could give you a hand
no judging just to understand
that you were weak
foolish yes,
but not a freak
or abomination.

I can only imagine 
how you struggled to stay alive
not knowing how to survive
the greatest blow you ever received.
How even now you don't know how
how much grace you can allow
because nothing can ever be the same.

Trying to Let Go

Trying to Let Go

I cling tighter
to a sliver of the memory
that contains the moments
to my recovery.
Crates created 
by the passion of my loss
for a time
hard won 
when the battle was fierce
with the promise of victory.

Are these tears?
Am I really crying?

Or am I dying?

bittersweet moments
I wish for all my days
but now that now my gaze
must look North and not South.
But how can I let go?
What must I do with those sweet moments
of release
of death and grime?
It was the best in my life!
How can I take the dive
in these murky waters alone and unprotected.

I must leave it all behind though
let go!
Or drown by its weight 
now my foe

The Imposter

The Imposter

Look at them,
innocent lambs to the slaughter
of my decay.
They think they know
but no
they don't know the carnage I can bring.
I have killed before
and may do so once again.
They don't know I can suck them dry
and make them just like me.
"Beware of false prophets"
for they too like you
are blind to devil's tricks.
I too was blinded
and have yet to recover my eyes
and so must follow a distant voice.
Don't tell me I achieved
through blood sweat and tears
all that I have achieved - 
the agony of the truth
is too much to bear
I must not share the burden of not belonging.
I look in the water
and for a second see myself,
then the pebbles come along 
to remind me to retreat 
once more back on the shelf,
a lonely hallow place,
where I belong,
because I do not belong,
incompetent as I am,
to anywhere else.

Smile Through Them Tears

Smile Through Them Tears

I know it hurts,
I know you are raw
from being beaten 
too long
and too much.
I know you are stiff
already set in the grave
your lips refuse to move when you are at the edge
of the cliff.
I know the rain has left you
to gallivant somewhere else
to bless
and bring success
to somebody else.
I know you can't stop them

So cry if you want to
let it flow down and cover your view
of possibilities.
Get it all out,
who knows,
it may stop the drought and the doubts.
Then maybe you can go about
the business you came here to do.

Taking a Break to Thrive.

Too much has been happening it seems lately: too many activities, too many disappointments, too much doubting of myself and too many dark thoughts to keep me down. So I am taking a break. I am going to turn off, walk away from and avoid all those things that make me feel anxious, sad and hopeless.

Yes, this can happen to anyone and there is a breaking point. I think I have reached that breaking point and before I am broken like brittle bones, devoid of the vital nutrients needed to thrive, I have decided to start by taking a break from social media. Since working mostly from home, over a year now, I realize that I have become dependent on social media for companionship, for entertainment, news and a pastime activities that fill points of my day that seem empty – even though the work is there piling up until I cannot ignore it or a deadline is approaching then I stress myself out to get it done. My anxieties, depression and fears were being fed by those seemingly informative medias that made me wonder, now that I am no longer engaged, how I went down those rabbit holes.

Going down the rabbit hole is surprisingly easy. However, when you begin to suffocate down there and you want to get out it is annoyingly hard to find your way back to a place where you feel comfortable once more. But The first part of getting out turns out to be the hardest, and that is actually stepping back. There are so many reasons to stay connected but when the connection feeds the monsters inside that tear you a part piece by piece then we have to dig in and fight to disconnect. The highs and lows can be too much and when you wake up in a good mood and end your day crying because of what you consume on those different platforms then it is necessary to sign off. For the past couple of weeks that has been me to a “T” and now I am mentally and physically tired – not to mention the strain of work, a remedy for disaster.

So, for eight days I will not be on social media unless it is for work. When those eight days end I will decide if I should extend the break and whether I want to make the break more extreme. I now realizing that what is most important to me, is my sanity. Being active on social media does not give that to me. We each have to find what works for us in protecting our sense of well being and mental Health.