Anger Kills

I got so angry yesterday that I erupted like a volcano, spewing lava vitriol in every which direction. I got so mad that I did not care what I said and what I did, all I knew was that I verbally slay all I perceived to be the bane of my existence – they all died a thousand painful deaths yesterday, but I was not satisfied at the end of my verbal massacre. Yes anger can kill.

It burns up everything in its path when it leaves a lingering bitterness that lasts a lifetime. It can destroy relationships, kill your good name and set you back to where you never wanted to return. Worse it can consume you so much that it kills your potential and all that is good within you. In a moment, without thinking – having lost your head – in can destroy your life.

It is never good to speak out in anger, nothing good ever comes of it. While we are humans and are susceptible to deep passions, we should never allow our anger to take control of common sense and leave us exposed to the hidden dangers our anger brings. We should never be quick to speak out – in anger it is more of a shouting thing – or act from a place of anger. The funny thing is we never learn this lesson well and so must continue to suffer when we act carelessly in our anger. Many times it defeats us more than we defeat it.

Anger can make monsters of us all, like cannibals we tear each other a part verbally and physically and later regret becomes a sad companion. But often when we attack in anger, it comes from a place of hurt, fear, frustration or even misguided assumptions. We never stop learning about ourselves and sometimes through our angry we see how ugly we can be and I don’t want that energy in my life. So each day I have to decide to thin respectfully of others and be positive no matter the situation and operate from a place of love, a love that will bring me peace of mind. Anger is not productive, it leads to nothing positive and can lead to our downfall. So be careful of that monster and slay it every time it comes uninvited and turns you away from your Jekyll into your Hyde.

What is Required of You

At a time such as this many people search for relieve. A relieve from constant bad news, death, misery and the threats of things seen and unseen. There is no end to the quest for relieve. However, finding such relieve seems to be more impossible as each day goes by. No matter what you do or how good you think you are trouble finds you. Now, this trouble comes in many forms and you get overwhelmed and run scared.

In your flight maybe all reason escapes and you start making bad choices, you start doubting yourself, God and every single person you know.

And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justly,
To love mercy,
And to walk humbly with your God?

As you seek to outrun your thoughts, fears and bad choices you become lame and get slower and slower, until your feet give out and one day you and your burdens fall to the ground.

What to do then?

Stop running. Let us stop running. We can never out run the problems around us and the problems we have.

We need to stop and realize that everyone has problems, we all have burdens we carry, the only thing is that some may seem lighter than others. Is it possible to support each other, bear each other up? If there is a need we are more than capable of bearing each other up. If we can mange it, why have we abandoned the cause to simply be kind, spare a thought for someone else’s suffering and not just our own. Even if we get annoyed with others, we can’t take out our frustrations on them. We have to resist the urge to lash out, judge and condemn. We have to dig deep even while we carry our individual burdens to be fair to those around us.

Can it be done, knowing how we can be? It can be done, but it takes a constant struggle of doing what is required of us and not what we feel like doing just because.

Silence is the True Killer

“If you’re silent about your pain, they will kill you and say that you enjoyed it.” – Zora Neale Hurston

I heard the quote above and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about how many of us have become conditioned to going along with things. It got me thinking about how obsessed we are with not rocking the boat and being compliant. I, like many others, was taught as a child that I had no voice, ” a child should be seen and not heard”. So I developed the dependency on everyone’s opinion but my own, I trusted the advise of others to the death of my own gut feelings.

When you are silent you compromise.

Maybe if we didn’t always take it like a champ, we would not have so much unresolved issues. Speaking up does impact your mental health. I know there have been times when I have been consumed by anger and blinded by a sense of injustice caused by the inability to really say what is on my mind.

Silence that kills I have come to find can be overshadowed by the noise we make.

How many times have you found yourself saying everything right, everything you are expected to say but still feeling as if you left having said nothing that was necessary to say? Or, said so much except the things that really matter? For me there have been too many moments like that and those moments can stay with you, and haunt you for the rest of your life. Silence has its role but silence is not always the best way out:

Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Also, sometimes by remaining silent we sometimes end up on the wrong side of history and what is right:

“If I were to remain silent, I’d be guilty of complicity.” – Albert Einstein

Aha Diaries: Protect Your Peace

I have found it difficult over the years to protect my peace of mind and to stay sane. There are persons in our lives – some well intentioned, others not- who constantly threaten our overall well being. They come with demands, expectations and problems and you feel you must address them. Before you know it you have taken on more than you can chew and find yourself choking. You look around and find no one to save you, to perform the Heimlich and you panic wondering how you can save yourself. The analogy above seems a bit extreme even overly dramatic but, there are many persons who leave themselves opened to being so frazzled by live and people that they end up feeling as if they’re always on the edge of doom.

Saying No

When I was smaller my granny once asked me why I can never say no to any question asked -especially when it comes to food! Being cheeky I immediately responded, no! However, this has become true in instances where I should say no, dangerous instances when I have made decisions that continue to haunt me to this day. This penchant for saying yes to everyone and everything – especially when I know I should not – has affected my mental wellbeing overtime to the degree where I struggle with making the simplest of decision because I am afraid of history repeating itself, afraid to fail once again, afraid of being so disappointed that I could have another mental breakdown…

So I am slowly working on creating a safe space, internally and externally, that will protect my peace of mind. Sometimes when you are really good at something you are rewarded somehow for that or those talents that you have. Often time, in my experience anyway, I note that more pressure is applied more expectations and little or no reward is returned. If you are not careful, you become the expert you is attached to that expertise and your fragility is disregarded. If you are not careful, persons begin to expect you to carry them, because “oh I can’t do this and you are good at it, so help me here,” becomes “do this for me , send this, I tried but only you can do it”. You end up exhausting yourself trying not to disappoint everyone and keeping that halo others have knighted you with. So, the task now is to use my talents to help and not carry others. To say no when I realise that my kindness has become a weapon against me. What about you?

Letting Go…

Since this pandemic I have spent a little more time away from certain people and I realise this is a good thing. Through this semi-isolation period I have come to realise that the presence of some persons only serve to make me more anxious, less productive and less happy. So I don’t call, they don’t call and we are all happier that way. I also no longer watch things that cause me anxiety, like the news or go on certain social media sites . I realised I was caring too much about things that did not matter, getting angry and anxious when I really should be taking the time to focusing on the things that really matter in my life, things that would impact me now. Instead I have withdrawn somewhat from looking outward and trying to find happiness in the people and things around me and really thinking about how I can control the things I can control. I can control me, my thoughts, my action and my sense of well being, but, it takes time and it takes will power.

You want people to think the best of you – or not it depends on your state of mind. Many persons want to be liked, to be admired to be recognised for doing good, for being good. However, for me this is no longer important, instead what I want to do is protect my peace of mind. This may mean offending others or may be perceived as offensive to other but you can never please everyone; therefore, we need to have a greater sense of being in control instead of allowing ourselves to be controlled by external forces and influences that have their agendas.

And if you try to find that peace and become swept away by the chaos around, reach for that shipwrecked debris to stay afloat, drift your own way and ask yourself, “Where is my peace in the midst of this chaos?”

Stop Searching…

It seems there is always another mountain to conquer for so many people. When you are young you have to chase that dream, that elusive success or thing that will get you in. Some people spend their whole life chasing after things that they never should have chased in the first place. “They just maybe a better way, a better job, a better person, waiting for me somewhere” or so too many tell themselves. They never stop and appreciate all that they already have. Instead they continue to chase those things until they get to the cliff’s edge and in their desperation leap and fall.

From such a fall there is no redemption, no way to rewind and do things over. Instead they must accept their fate and either fight the inevitable or give in. So, before we get to the edge we need to step back, stop and think. “Have been chasing pavements all this time? This is what we need to know, what we need to decide. There are many no longer here with us who never had the chance to have this moment. Now they are gone. But we are still here and in a quiet moment of all the world’s noise, we need to decide to stop searching for things. To stop searching for wealth, health and happiness. To know that we an create happiness right where we are, right now. Stop chasing after the perfect time, because each time we reach for it it steps a little past our finger tips – and we only grab air…

Oh what we find,
 when we stop searching.
 Oh what we find, 
when we stop forcing.
 Oh what we receive, 
when we stop fearing. 
Oh what we become,
 when we just love. 
                      Creig Crippen

Pretty Lies, Ugly Truths, You Choose.

We all care about he aesthetics of things. Though we are often told that “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”, we all like to be surrounded by things we and society deem beautiful, even lies. In many instances we have allowed ourselves to be led, to see false narratives as the truth, untainted, because it pleases “me” to do so. We are quick to see beauty in things that have been made to look so, an optical illusion that hides many many ugly truths. The truth is too real and too painful for too many and so many are willing to cover it, stifle it or kill it in order to live lives of lies. We accept the unspoken rule that some things should never be spoken because they are unpleasant and too many turn away from the ugliness right in front of us to stare at mirages that spring from our imagination.

Lies become beautiful, seemingly harmless nuggets that attract the sensibilities and lull us into a false and piteous sense of security. You see lies hold prominence because so many want to be convinced of them, they want to hold tight to them and so they are whispered time and time again until they are in grained in many psyches. However, they are fools gold that rust easily when correctly challenged but many of us are not brave enough to look the ugly truth in the eyes – many of us would not survive such exposure. This of course does not stop many from flirting with those lies, because they are so tempting, many reflecting and aligning with many of our desires.

So, on one tables lies a buffet of tempestuous lies, disguised as very tempting morsels that will delight the palette and beside this are only the bitter pills of truth that may hurt and cause acid reflux; Which will you choose. Whether we spread them or we believe them sometimes lies are hard to reject because they have become the basis for how we exist in this world. Each day, each lie that we accept makes it less likely for us to understand how far we have sung in a web we may have helped weave to trap ourselves in. But, we must be willing to finally break free from that web, to be honest enough to see things for what they are and not what we always wished them to be. “The truth will set us free” they say. There is nothing more freeing than not living within the bounds of pretentious smiles and fake interests. From returning the cult membership of being on trend with the lies we tell ourselves because we want to fit in somehow.

Now, what will you choose? Will you choose to embrace those pretty lies that may lead to more complications down the road – but not right now of course – or, truths that paint a realistic picture with all the gore and grime that lies never truly erase, but instead covers for consumption later, much later? Each day we have a choice to make, to go along to get along or be the truthsayer and disrupt those false narratives.

Broken Mirror

Broken mirror 
shattered soul
splintered into the four dimensions.
Some lost
never to return
pieces buried too deep.
corrupted soul
cursed to suffer
for seven years times eternity
cursed to never be whole again.
should it be dust
or buried by a tree
or left to flow down South.
But
Broken mirror
Do
become many mirror too.
Each containing a piece of you
you can return to.
Look at each and try to place
the missing pieces back together again.
Look closely and grab the light 
reflected towards you
a different light
that leads you to look at things
 differently.
Broken mirror
tells a story 
of how you transformed
despite the odds
to become a unique you.