Tag: thinking about things differently

Inertia

I drift in and out of reality and wonder why I even try. The world and all its problems feel like a depressant that keeps me anxious, shaking in bed. Lately, I feel as if I am always drifting in REM atonia. An Old Hag, I see myself in a broken mirror, dissected, distorted, real yet imagined, and I wonder: when did this happen? I do not have the answer; all I know is that Somnambulism has become my new norm. Yet no one seems to have caught on yet. They all treat me as if my words, smile, movements, and interested blank stares are real. I cannot be enthused by the monotony of office gossip or the platitudes of meaningless praise. Life has become a series of little nightmares, ending each day on a cliffhanger.

I have found myself in the worst kind of horror movie. For no one comes to kill me, and each day I awake to new horrors, terrifyingly ordinary and deadly just the same. In a state of Hypnagogia, I remember the faces of all those who have gone ahead and live with those who will soon be gone. Life moves from sunny disposition to bitter cold tentacles of doom. Yet each day I must perform the ritual of the living dead. I must continue on a broken reel that I must push so I continue to stay in the same motion of going nowhere. Yet, for all of this, I give thanks…

A Love Afar

"Hello" - 

your voice sounds soothing
are you okay?

yes 
though I do not like to think
about my state.

Okay. you sound so interesting.
what are you doing?

right now I sit and look outside
it rained all day.

I love your voice
so rich with expereince.

Thank you.

Well it was fun talking to you,
I'll call back tomorrow.

"Goodbye".

Time

Before, there was time to see and do all the things dem. Time was plenty, plenty and well generous – even nuff. Too much time and like water from a broken pipe spill and thrill into the dirt, It was wet and you felt blessed. Then, time crept and crawled up the wall away from you, and then you wondered, When did it go? It felt good to have time under your feet and feel free to be whatever you wanted. You could sit still for a while and several hours after it was still daylight. Them times Time stretched far and wide, a speck that could not be contained. So, you start feeling yourself and forget to do all the tests and the rest. “Man look here, you have time”.

But time is a clever one, he is a knowing one and he play with you and then turn lose on you then trap you. At those times, he dances around you and spin your head too and then make you forget, outside of you he is limitless but in you it is limited. Then when you stop spin and you are sinking he runs further from you, away from your dreams and your waiting.

instead you are left with his essence no longer blessed with his presence. What should you do? Will you sit and mourn because he wont come back, that young man is gone and so too is your youth. You see, he was interwoven with you but you took him for granted and when you wanted him, he did not want you. Now what shall we do? We have to let him go and sun bath at sun down.

The Struggle of Overcoming Maladaptive Daydreaming

Individuals with maladaptive daydreaming exhibit more symptoms of depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, and dissociation. They are also more likely to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) View Source , and depression

Whew and Wow, there are so many labels to contend with in this world. It seems we have become a people of labels. Maladaptive daydreaming is no joke and here I was thinking that fantasising about my best life would be the highlight of my life. Instead the more I delve into this topic the more I realise how dangerous this practice has been to my sense of reality and overall mental health. How to get out of the images and pleasures to be found in your head? Ever been so engrossed in your thoughts that it felt like you were the main feature in your own movie, whether it was a love story or revenge trope? And did you ever end up in the corner of your room or somewhere random crying your eyes out because your thoughts, imaginations and mental conjurings led you there? Well, that is when you know it’s not just daydreaming but a vicious cycle you try to divorce but because life is life you always return to it, for comfort. Wouldn’t life be really grand if you could spend hours escaping? Or are you being trapped? Tangled deeper into a world where no harm can touch you but, you cannot live a real authentic existence. This does not sound great long term and really each time you emerge from one of those long therapeutic escapades you are stuck with the grime of reality. How terrible! Yes, life can be terrible at times but not always and so if you give in to maladaptive daydreaming tendencies you never can fully explore all facets of life. You remain trapped, bound by a need to escape perceived or real dangers that never go away but can be restrained behind the bars of maladaptive daydreaming.

So, we are lost? No. we are not. It is hard. A daily struggle. However, if we really want to free ourselves from the paralysis of Maladaptive daydreaming then it really will take a lot of courage, determination and a village of supporters. It is not easy will never be easy and we will slip up but if we really want to be free of it we need to be disciplined and seek the right support for us whether personal, professional or both. Whatever it takes. So join me as I read a recommendation from a reader of this blog in reading, Quit Daydreaming: How to Wake up and Break free, by J Johnson. In the meantime, I will read and let you know.

Letter from a People Pleaser

Listen up everyone.
I don't give a damn!
what you think of me
how I dress
what I say
where I go
what I do with my life.
It's not your place to tell me anything.
If I marry
when I marry
who I marry
if I have a child
when I have one
or how I have one
What I do don't concern you.
Don't share
your opinion
I don't need it.
I don't give a fluck
if you're down on your luck
and you are looking in my pocket for a buck.
Let me be me
let me do me
just let me be!

Watch your words, Sis, they can kill…

She was tired. The results did not match the effort. “Why was this so hard? O God I just want to die! Come, Lord, I can’t bother no more.” She puts down her sword, puts down her armour and just sits there. She thinks she’s ready. She thinks she’s ready to die, because why should she live if she has nothing to give…

You are too harsh by far. You are too harsh to yourself and each word you utter cuts deep and leaves a wound. Soon, you will start bleeding until all the life is drained from your body. Be kind to yourself, just as you are kind to somebody else. Your words are causing those wounds that will be hard to repair.

There are times when we feel so much despair we just don’t care. We look at our situation and think of death before dishonour and so we say, death. We claim death to our dreams, relationships and our very being. We lose sight of our purpose and speak so much nonsense and we start to believe them. We start to nurture them, water them protect them; we start to worship them. Then we feel despair hounding us and we get tired. Yes, we get tired and we think those thoughts, over and over again until, our light is diminished. We lock ourselves off and forget our powerful friend. We forget we have a friend in Jesus. We sink into a hole so dark and so deep that we are consumed by it.

However, to give in is when despair truly begins. This is where the dishonour becomes a real thing. Giving reign to the dark disqualifies our purpose, and dishonours a gift given in love, blood and unimaginable pain. Yes, Sticks and stones can break bones but words and be the death of us. Little by little those words of failure of surrender begin to chip away at our tenacity, our resolve and our birthright. So be careful, be very careful of the things you tell yourself. Because what others say to you, doesn’t really matter, until you begin to repeat them to yourself. Only then do they become true. So, be careful that the words you think of, the words you use with yourself are words, God, has commissioned over your life, not those carelessly tossed around by a desperate mind.

“Let me give you a preview of what your words can do and tell me what you think…”

“Oh God! I shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord, forgive me!”

Pull back when you are closest to the edge, reach out and seek help. But don’t allow yourself to be enticed by the tragedy of your story. It’s better to seek the repairer of the breach, that’s what we should seek than to blindly orchestrate and actively participate in our defeat. Words are powerful use the with wisdom, love and kindness.

A Letter with Love. For My Sisters in Distress

“It’s a vicious cycle”. A good friend of mine uttered these words to me recently. She had grown frustrated with herself. She was not herself. And so she was condemning herself. I wanted to give her a hug because I know how it feels. When you wake up each day to change those things that seem to take you down a dark road you end in the same way you were the day before. It can be so frustrating. Especially when we place so much pressure to do the right thing and give no grace for our humanness. “I hate that I am…” But what do you love that you are? Yes, there are things we wish we could change at the snap of a finger but just a well-placed thought. However, it never ends up that way. But Sis, where is the grace?

We live in a world that is so fast-paced that we place so much pressure on ourselves to rebound, bounce back and carry on. All in haste to get nowhere, just being further away than where we started. The funny thing is that each day it is the same. This is a vicious cycle. We do not stop to think that maybe it’s okay, to not feel okay. We think it horrific to just allow ourselves the space to have this thing play out to its own conclusion, even if right now we feel stretched thin so we can catch ourselves back down the road when we come back together again. We need to be comfortable with a process that is uncomfortable so that we can come out fine on the other side, in our own time and not when we think we should. Our body knows the score, it knows it’s a process but when we interfere with its attempt at healing we undermine our very being. It is hard, and words are easy – sometimes. But we have to stop the cycle by being kind about what we say and think about ourselves. Maybe you too feel like my friend now feels and you too are silently suffering:

It's that feeling in the pit of your stomach
it balls up in your throat
blocking the air 
flow
It's the tightness of and suffocation from
the mask you wear
It's the jumbled thoughts in your head
It's not knowing what exactly is wrong 
but
sensing the weight
It's... (by S.A.D)

Yes that darn feeling, that paralyse the strongest of us at one time or another. There is little that can be said in those moments to truly brings us the salvation that we need. We have to wait, we have to wait for the feeling to pass so we can get back to ourselves and then we have to hug ourselves and remind ourselves, that we are doing our best. It will take time, just breathe and wait. 

And I have learned too
to laugh with only my teeth
and shake hands without my heart.
I have also learned to say,’Goodbye’,
when I mean ‘Good-riddance’:
to say ‘Glad to meet you’,
without being glad; and to say ‘It’s been
nice talking to you’, after being bored.

But believe me, son.
I want to be what I used to be
when I was like you. I want
to unlearn all these muting things.
Most of all, I want to relearn
how to laugh, for my laugh in the mirror
shows only my teeth like a snake’s bare fangs! (from Once Upon a Time by Gabriel Okara)

When you don’t feel like yourself, it’s knowing someday you will, if only you push through to the next day. It is not easy but it can be done. It is not easy but thy will be done. You just need to know that you have a choir singing behind you reminding you to stay true to your intentions and more importantly, to stay true to who you are. and when you don’t see how great you are then remember whose you are and sing with conviction:

… Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art

And because He is great you are great. You are greater than your circumstances. You are greater than your troubles. You are greater than anything that is kicking your ass now. You were always great, never less than great and will always be great. You are great SIS! But never feel less because you don’t feel great when a moment or moments of weakness have you in a chokehold. This too shall pass