When One Door Closes

When One Door Closes

When one door closes
thank God.
That door means 
no more drama
no more tears.
No more of those barren years.

That closed door means
you survived
now is your time to thrive.
All the lies
have been found our
and in your mind is no more doubt,
it's time to move on.

When that door closes
you can begin again. 
You made your mistakes
no need to look back 
take that new escape
you can get back on track.

Look to the one now opened
bid the closed door goodbye
that was not the hill on which to die.
Do not linger there
before you say your amen.

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

Hello!
I am calling.
Do you hear me?
Can you see me?
Do you know me?
Look, I sat here
mute, immobile,
kneeling under your weight.
Did that endear me to you?
Look, I let you step all over me
let you crush my spirit 
to dust.
Still you don't see me?

Do you hear me?
I keep calling out to you.
Should I sit here in my dispair?

Please someone, 
anyone,
make my way clear!

Grow Into Yourself

Grow Into Yourself.

It burns!
Like hell sulfur.
Limbs torn assunder.
With each blunder guilt knifes me.
Blood corrupted springs free
to flow into a sea of redemption.
Can I grow into me?
Can I be free?
Guilt a strict taskmaster.
Too stern to cuddle
a wayward child like me.
Fire now tears into my flesh.

Is this how it feels to grow?

Learn to Dance in the Rain

I saw this quote recently and it coincided with some hard truths I stumbled upon. Lately, I have felt immobile by regret, discontent and a feeling of utter dissatisfaction with the state of my life. I know a part of this was burn out but it was also a malignant feeling of seeming never to truly be making progress in any area of my life. It came from a sudden attack of feeling stuck in life and realising that I was not blameless in this. I realise that the time has come for me to admit and accept some hard truths and this episode of discontent has revealed some true gems that have birthed great discomfort for me.

Some Hard Truths:

  1. The hand that wields the sword is more dangerous than the sword itself: I am pretty sure that you have heard some version of this before. However, for me, it has come to mean that I am not blameless in the state of dissatisfaction and discontent I am experiencing now. I have continued to make the same mistakes expecting a different result because of how earnest I am about experiencing change. I am earnest but my actions have done more harm than good. I need to take accountability in this regard.
  2. Do not wait on something outside yourself or your environment to make you feel complete or happy: Again I am sure that some of you have heard this before. But we need to recognise the truth of it. I have lived in denial of this. When you look beyond where you currently are and think that things will get better when you leave where you currently are then you will always be miserable there. I have to find the good in and learn how to be content again where I am.
  3. Do not make excuses because they trip you up and keep you grounded in the same place: It is so easy to blame everything on others or circumstances. Do not make excuses take action and own up to your part in whatever has gone wrong.
  4. Big things happen from small moments and actions: I have to stop resting on great expectations with Bollywood productions. Just do the small things and let go of those big plans.
  5. You control the journey you will experience in life: It is so easy at times to blame others for where you are at a certain point in your life. “If you did not have to do this for her”, or “If you did not have to go there for him” are thoughts that can hide the fact that you made decisions whether based on desire or out of a sense of duty, fear or guilt. It does not matter, you chose to help, to give and to be where you now regret you have been, what you have done and how much of you and your resources you have given.
  6. Make things right as soon as possible whether or not the fault is yours: It is a lot harder said than done but having peace of mind demand this is done. So whether we want to or not peace comes from making peace.
  7. It’s not that you cannot find time to pursue your dreams, it is that you have not made time for them: I have wasted so much time doing truly meaningless things time I could have spent working on those things that aligned with my goals and vision for my life. I now have to work on being disciplined and pursue my dreams actively.
  8. Lack of fear and self-confidence stunts you, not what others say or do: At some point we have to decide to move forward in spite of it all even our own limited view of our abilities.
  9. Don’t wait on the approval of others: We often turn to friends and family to get validation or a word of advice about something important t o us. However, learn to be more confidence in your ability to make the right decision. I have realised also that what I want more than sound advice is to place the final decision on someone else. So now I need to practice making the decisions that need to be made without expecting others to tell me what I should do.
  10. Your ideas wont wait on you to manifest, when you put them off they eventually find another more capable source: With this I will be simple, your great idea is your great idea until someone else makes them come alive. Then they become a wish never fulfilled.
  11. No one is limited or needs more than who they are: It has become so easy to compare yourself with others, without even realising it. Then one day it all comes to a head and you realise you have been making a list of all your shortcomings and they now overwhelm you: “What have I done, achieved in this life so far? Nothing”.
  12. Self-help books do not produce change in your life, only your thoughts and actions can: I have read a couple of self-help books and while in the moment they were great they were not this miracle text that delivered on results the way I erroneously felt they would. I now realise that they can help toa degree but I have to do the work, show up and make the time to work on improving areas of my life that need the work.

I know that as with anything else truly being accountable is the best way to learn from those truths highlighted above. But in a world that seems to change so rapidly nowadays we need to stop and pay attention, then take action.

Be Blessed!

Be Blessed!

Be blessed:
with friends that love you
all of you
so you can be true
to you.

Be blessed:
with a body
that functions
even with the aches and pain
there is still a peace inside
that takes that rain
and make you sane.

Be blessed:
that you can  be content
with just enough
even with the fluff
and all the no sense stuff.

Be blessed:
a favour bestowed
even when you feel low
because you already know
the best is yet to come.

Be blessed,
and so it goes
row after row
and feel those rupples overflow...

I Too Have Sin

I too Have SInned

Malignant tumors of regret 
I now seek release.
Trapped.
By the foolish acts of being human
I now seek redemption.
What is the first step
that I must take
to be washed clean
to come into your presence?
I do not know
I fear my crimes 
have taken control
of my possible aquittal.
But I must be reborn
still born no more.
I must try
or die trying.
I must come again
strife again against the pain
of loss and regret.
I want to feel the light
smell the sweet air
of release of all my fears
defeated at last.

Trying to Let Go

Trying to Let Go

I cling tighter
to a sliver of the memory
that contains the moments
to my recovery.
Crates created 
by the passion of my loss
for a time
hard won 
when the battle was fierce
with the promise of victory.

Are these tears?
Am I really crying?

Or am I dying?

bittersweet moments
I wish for all my days
but now that now my gaze
must look North and not South.
But how can I let go?
What must I do with those sweet moments
of release
of death and grime?
It was the best in my life!
How can I take the dive
in these murky waters alone and unprotected.

I must leave it all behind though
let go!
Or drown by its weight 
now my foe