When One Door Closes When one door closes thank God. That door means no more drama no more tears. No more of those barren years. That closed door means you survived now is your time to thrive. All the lies have been found out and in your mind is no more doubt, it's time to move on. When that door closes you can begin again. You made your mistakes no need to look back take that new escape you can get back on track. Look to the one now opened bid the closed door goodbye that was not the hill on which to die. Do not linger there before you say your amen.
Grow Into Yourself. It burns! Like hell sulfur. Limbs torn assunder. With each blunder guilt knifes me. Blood corrupted springs free to flow into a sea of redemption. Can I grow into me? Can I be free? Guilt a strict taskmaster. Too stern to cuddle a wayward child like me. Fire now tears into my flesh. Is this how it feels to grow?
April Rising April Rising like a Pheonix - No praying mantis. Lying dormant for too long I emerge like Aphrodite ready to pick my grapes. Better yet ready to release all the creative juice centered in my back. Though I am rooted in this spot I will bloom spread wide bold and in control of my destiny. Moveable I roam the ground grounded in search of my destiny. In the Nothern skys I reach for my growth to pick of the tree of life my new approach my destiny determined.
Lingering half dead liveless yet like Heracules I linger here where i have been uprooted soilless rudderless. i begin to burn out as i try to live without water to feed my soul How long shall i cling before I burn out and fall to my knees
When I was a child and asked what I wanted to be, I chose the most popular at the time. I wanted to be a nurse, a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer. Then when I got older I wanted a glamourous job, a flight attendant (at least it was marketed as glamourous), super model (though I barely reached past five feet), an actress (though I never joined drama club), a singer (though I did not develop on my natural singing voice). Then I wanted something related to the subject I loved, I wanted to do journalism, travel the world and write about these places. Then I went to university and wanted to be whatever could pay for my student loans.
So, I ended being a teacher and have been doing this ever since. Along the way I have been inspired to write for different reasons and seasons. I write when I am happy, sad and mad. When I think I have something to say and when I know I have nothing to say but want to get out what is in me before it explodes from me. Writing has been something I have always done. Being the only child in a household of adults, great grand parents to be exact, I really did not have much option. I use to read four books in one day, write in my diary every day and read every box, bag, tube or bottle with words on it. Writing has always been my friend.
So when life throws something at me I have to write it down but in my own way. I had to tell my stories as I saw fit and poetry was the most beautiful way I could.
So I wrote and published a poetry book with poems that I have been writing for over ten years. Over the years I had promised myself I would write a book, but it was not gonna be a poetry book. It was gonna be novels like the one Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote or Toni Morrison or Edwidge Danticat or Jamaica Kincaid. However, all I ended up writing were my poetries. I would read them to myself and be amazed that I wrote them. But that was all.
Then people saw them and told me I should publish them and I was mystified as to what they saw that gave them the idea that I could write anything great enough to be published. Then, much later, I realized that I was only finding excuses not to try. Excuses based on my own insecurities.
So this year I finally found the courage – with the support of some great people and dear friends – to learn more and grow, to put myself and my work out there and leave it there. I have a long way to go but this book is the step I needed to get out of my head.
Apologia If I had concentrated taken the blame more, humbled myself more maybe, just maybe if I had waited in my life there would not be so much gore. I can only sit and ponder as each soul passes by my humble abode quite slyly they look with wonder born of a horror when one kisses a toad. But I cannot remain here consumed by this monster I must take the reigns eke out a future break free from this guilt grab my tools so I can rebuild fashion something new from the ashes of my dreams.
Health is the greatest gift,
Contentment the greatest wealth,
Faithfulness the best relationshipBudda
I use to believe that success was measured in how much you had and how much you were able to do in a short mount of time. However, lately I have been taking my head out of the stand and I noticed something. Better yet I realized something, you don’t always have to be first out of the blocks first or fastest to win the race. I use to think, because I was taught this, that all you had to do was make it early, then success for a lifetime was guaranteed. Also, with my heads in the clouds, I thought that all you had to do, was do the “right thing”, be a “good person” and things were guaranteed to work in your favor. Now for me this mindset has led to many disappointing dead ends. I had to learn the hard way that life does not take place in a vacuum.
Bad things happen to everyone, and no one can ever be perfect.
There was one idea of success that I was told about when I was younger and only one that mattered. It was the success based on working hard, not ruffling any feathers and being a team player. Now maybe nothing is wrong with each item on its own, however, for me, what happened was that I interpreted it in such a way that it affected me badly, not only physically but mentally as well. So I spent my 20’s trying to fit into where I thought I should be and now it feels as if I first have to unlearn all the things I told myself I needed to learn even if it killed me, literally. I need find out what works for me, in a world that can and will happily leave me to be me.
Being mindful of what you do is more important than, running with it. When things happen that you never expected, stop and think what you want to do with this sudden twist. I made mistakes in how I handled sudden changes, impending changes or sudden windfalls, and I have many regrets; regret, it is a bitter, brittle pill to swallow. It doesn’t matter what it is, before you react, especially to something unexpected, good or bad, stop and take the time to think things through. Pray about it and take the time to check in with yourself before you react. Once you have come to a decision don’t change your mind or you could waste time trying to do damage control.
It was always important to be the best at everything. So I tried to be perfect. Perfect daughter, niece, friend and worker. However, this is impossible. Also, perfection takes too much work and second guessing your choices, until it makes the thinker crazy and lonely with bad choices. Plus, I don’t think anyone was measuring my level of perfection.
When you try to be perfect, people always expect you to be a certain way and when you can’t maintain it but try to, the only one to suffer is the person working around the clock to keep that perfect phantom perfect alive.
So, I have decided to stop.
To stop and take a break, and procrastinate from procrastinating from being real.
Being real is much harder than faking it. When you are real you have to be honest. I now confess that many times I did stuff, not so important stuff because I wanted to be on the “right side”. I said a lot of stuff, really unimportant stuff because I wanted to, “be good”.
So It’s health over wealth. No more trying to be the success that I think I should be, but, the one I can be. The world I occupy is too small for me, so out the door I shall go and see what peace lies behind it.
Wish me luck…