Honesty says
yes she was self-serving in serving.
Honesty says
yes she tried 
to get ahead 
on top of your head.
Honesty says
yes I made many mistakes
and was blinded
by pride.

But - 
 she is ready to make an effort
to be better
do better
and remain honest
that she is imperfect.

Crab Life

Crab Life

Look at you across the room
thinking can you make it.
your new victim in your sights
ready for a fight
you approach.

You know your role
known it long
learned it hard.
You are the crab 
who came out of the barrel
the one who made it.

But there can be only one,
only one success story
at a time.
So you know your role
you signed with your blood.

Instead of helping
the one left to come up
you got to work hard
to push him down
to drown.

The Heart is Deceitful…

Just when you think you are getting out of that dark place, cold callous and wicked tentacles threaten to drag you back into the abyss. When we isolate ourselves from the things that make the heart heavy and the spirit low are we not able to operate from a better place?

We all want to have only the good things and not the bad but are we okay with getting it by any means necessary? Should we feel justified at someone’s suffering because they or someone they know have done bad things?

if we really stop and think about how we think, we will realise that we are far from being the “good” person we want to be. We realise that we may still take pleasure in seeing justice being served or someone, “getting what’s coming to them because it is justified”. However, if we are truly honest, we will admit that we all have done questionable and outright bad things at some degree or another. If we really search our heart we will find things about ourselves hidden in the shadows that we would not like to come to light. The person we are thrilled to see defeated, may have been crying out for help but we never took the time to help but skipped straight to condemning.

The heart is deceitful, because if we allow it to rule us, we may end up doing that which is not of the Spirit but that which is of the flesh. We may become distracted by superficial matters that do not address real problems. We can allow ourselves to be influenced by forces that work for evil and not for good. We may find ourselves championing causes that have nothing to do with doing what is right and everything that is wrong.

“The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17: 9)

There is no one here on this earth that has not struggled with this. While there are those who are winning the battle there are many more who have lost, and who take pleasure in the losing of their soul to wickedness. We have to be constantly on guard for the moments when our weaknesses threaten to overtake the logics of our spirit. It is a spirit that gives us this sense that we are still under construction, even while there are things around us that say otherwise. The Spirit that reminds us that we are not perfect nor are we expected to be perfect. A Spirit that reminds us that we should not think of ourselves as the saviour of anyone, because all we can do, is the best that we can do as imperfect beings.

For there is truth in the fact that in our weakness we see the unrelenting power of the Almighty. It is a power that speaks to the deceitful heart and brings peace to a tormented spirit.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is the Lord.

8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Worship No Man.

thread-like and bare I whisper...

If only I could be like you.
Be one of the guys.
who could get things done.
Important things.
I Wouldn't have to tie my own shoe.

If only I could be like this.
Get people to sit.
Stand at attention.
Be larger than Life.
Life wouldn't be a hit or miss.

If only I could be great.
Have all the power.
Take full control.
Be the leader of the pack.
I wouldn't have to give and take.

And Yet -

Wishing to be like you drains me too.
Consumes my energy.
The energy that I need to be alive.
It makes my world shrink.
So all I do is think -
Is being like you about to mess up my mood?

I need
stop and check this out.
Get back my tears, joy and pain that were my sacrifice to you.
I need
stop and check this out.
All my time that added to your years.
I need
stop and check this out.
I still have enough energy to focus on myself
my God!
Was it all a lie?
By making gods of men
did I comprise

Wait -
stop a while...
Let me remove the wool from my eyes.
So when I stare at the reflection
I see me and not
the magic trick
of those counterfeit gods.
Those who rely on me and my energy to sustain their rule.
No more talk of idols
no need to be like any of you.

Let me get back to the me I was made to be.

Let me recollect self, soul and energy.

Photo Of Person Standing On Boat

Don’t Worry When You Mess Up!

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Can you relate to the above statement? It can really be frustrating when your sole purpose in doing something, is to do it right -what ever right is – and then have everything just crash and burn, beautifully.

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I am not a patient person and I have resigned myself to this flaw being with me forever. So, currently I am learning the art of being patient. Sometimes it is a lesson I do not want to learn and try to cut corners. When this happens, I make a lot of mistakes – and I do mean a lot. This leads to more work and more time wasted doing: THE SAME THING. So you see why this can be frustrating.

When I started my current degree I gave myself half the time to finish, since then that overconfidence has crashed and burned and I am still looking for some of the pieces. Suffice it to say, I have learned that bumps, cracks and even craters, on the road to achieving anything meaningful is inevitable. Messing up so much was new to me and so for a good time I was terrified by how much I was messing up. Also, what made it worse, was that each time I tried to correct something I made it worse which added to an everlasting list of mess; my list outgrew me and tried to devour me! I was in denial about the mess I was making and became a mess.

But if you make a big enough mess, there is nowhere you can turn to avoid it. Like a monstrous avalanche it can sweep you and your dreams aside, when you do not acknowledge the mess and clean it up. And so until I acknowledged that I did not know how to clean it up on my own, I was sinking in quick sand.

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I am beginning to accept that it is okay to mess up and each day it becomes a little easier to live with making them. But, there is a danger in ignoring the mess you create, because there may come a point when the mess consumes and destroy its creator. So while we all struggle with our individual mess, we need to remember that we may be the creator of the mess but there is no reason we have to stay in it. Pay attention to your life and stop creating the mess you threw out yesterday.

Just remember that mess does not define you.

It Gets Real Ugly

Well today was the day to smell some ugly truths – not very rosy at all!

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The smell of reality, you may call it. It was a reminder that some people, irrespective of who they are can be really ugly in their intentions. I was reminded how dishonest some are and that people can really fool you, if you let them.

With a smile, a kind word and a gentle voice, they can lull you and then rob you blind; this is something that can be traumatic for us trusting souls. You can live your life being the world’s most optimistic persons alive, but there are some people who will always try to steal your joy and tempt your ugly out of hiding.

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But the ugly truth is, not everyone who stands by you, will be for you. Some are just there for the show and you know this because when the games up, it’s back to regular programming. They leave for a five minutes intermission they take lasts for five months or more – depending on whether the mood strikes to be a casual observer. It may be a hard pill to swallow – and some may even choke trying to deny it but there it is. We may do good things and choose our friends with some amount of self interest in mind -whether consciously or unconsciously. We just need to know what we will tolerate in the relationships we pursue.

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Do you think this is true?

We have to evaluate our own intentions, but remember that while you are doing this, someone you are blind to, will be ready to make use of your distractions. Then again are there any pretty truths – who knows! After all the truth is the truth no matter how you spin it.

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Remember, bad things will always happen to us, life is not a fairy tale – I mean, we should all know this by now. Its all a part of Murphy’s law: any thing that can go wrong, will go wrong. But when it does, it’s hard to remember that things will get better; and when they do get better, we then forget that something else may fall a part. Life is a beautiful thing!

The ugly we experience and the ugly inside of each of us, will not always last- this is only if we don’t want it to last.

We should not always expect people to say good things behind our backs – that was the day you were born and will be the day you die. Also, people will not only be dishonest with you but also with themselves. And while you’re at it, remember that people will disappoint you, especially those closest to you, just don’t let your emotions rule the day and kill meaningful relationships. You see, people drift in and out of your life and that’s OKAY, that does not define the kind of that they are and that you are.

If we are willing to embrace the reality of life, then when we are faced with the ugly truths, our world will not crumble around us.

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