Trying to Let Go I cling tighter to a sliver of the memory that contains the moments to my recovery. Crates created by the passion of my loss for a time hard won when the battle was fierce with the promise of victory. Are these tears? Am I really crying? Or am I dying? bittersweet moments I wish for all my days but now that now my gaze must look North and not South. But how can I let go? What must I do with those sweet moments of release of death and grime? It was the best in my life! How can I take the dive in these murky waters alone and unprotected. I must leave it all behind though let go! Or drown by its weight now my foe
Are you looking around to find who you are? Are you stalking every platform to find that one message that will have all the answers you need to discover yourself and finally understand your purpose? Well if you are you need to reconsider if this is the right course and if you are doing this for the right reasons.
It is always good to seek out good examples that can help you in your own journey, but I believe there is no need to spend the entirety of your life watching videos, perusing writings and listening to speeches that can show you the way. At some point, it must become clear that there is a limit to how much these sources can be the bridge between you and realising your purpose, to living. I have come to realise that we will find ourselves only when we take a good look within and do the work that needs doing from within.
We sometimes are not satisfied with our own appreciation of ourselves and what we can do. We search ceaselessly for validation in every corner of our world and may still not be happy with any answer. Whatever you do must be from you and must be spurred by a desire and ability to do so. Who you are must be true to what is inside of you and not reflect what has been determined by what is outside of you. Though I have been motivated by others to do many things, I realise that I cannot rely on them to help my dream flourish, to make it stay alive. The moment I started to think of myself as a writer, was the moment I started to believe I could publish a book, even if no one ever bought it and even if I had to do it alone. Whenever it was needed it would be there ready, waiting to be consumed.
Stop looking around for someone to make you feel like you are capable because you already are. Stop looking for the perfect answers to all your problems, nothing is perfect and many things happen because of trial and error. Stop expending so much energy on getting the right message, listen to that soft still voice, until it is loud enough to propel you to act in a way that is true to you. Stop searching and find what is already in your hand and that will be enough.
I had a conversation with myself just the other day…
“Is it worth it? Is it really worth it to be here with everyone else? Imagine living on your own Island, what peace! There would be no one to compare yourself to. You could do what you wanted to do, and there would be no disapproving parents, friend, family to make you feel bad about your choices. Imagine, there would be no need for you to every do anything you don’t want to do! wouldn’t that be heavenly?”
“But what would you do?” “Wouldn’t it be lonely?”
“Nope and no”. Why would I be lonely? I know there would be no suffering, no one to miss, death would not invade my world. All the garbage and filth in this world would not be a part of my island. If at first I missed anyone it would leave me, we tend to forget after awhile and any pain at leaving then behind would fade. But oh! What peace I would find on my island. Far, far away from it all!”
“I don’t think you would be happy, being all alone I think you would get bored on that island. Think about it, have you every lived on your own?”
“Well, I hate living in this world but I don’t want to die, so the best solution is to go somewhere where I will be happy”.
“You don’t want to die, why? Would you miss anything here, could that be why?”
” I wish I could take, all the beauty here, all the things I love and take somewhere else. I have suffered so much here and I know more is to come, maybe it’s better if I could run”.
“You don’t know what troubles may be on your island. earth did not begin the way it is today”
” But why do I have to face the uncertainties of a world that can bring such sadness, such loss, pain and permanency?”
“But here you are not alone. Here there are persons who love you. Persons who want you to find peace. Here is the opportunity to rely on and learn from those around you. Right here where you are is the help that you need, if only you would look, if only you would see.”
And so I thought about that conversation, these questions kept repeating. Could it be true? Was there a possibility to find peace here and not only on my island, to be content with the closeness of others? Could peace really exist with me and you and you and me?
Just when you think you are getting out of that dark place, cold callous and wicked tentacles threaten to drag you back into the abyss. When we isolate ourselves from the things that make the heart heavy and the spirit low are we not able to operate from a better place?
We all want to have only the good things and not the bad but are we okay with getting it by any means necessary? Should we feel justified at someone’s suffering because they or someone they know have done bad things?
if we really stop and think about how we think, we will realise that we are far from being the “good” person we want to be. We realise that we may still take pleasure in seeing justice being served or someone, “getting what’s coming to them because it is justified”. However, if we are truly honest, we will admit that we all have done questionable and outright bad things at some degree or another. If we really search our heart we will find things about ourselves hidden in the shadows that we would not like to come to light. The person we are thrilled to see defeated, may have been crying out for help but we never took the time to help but skipped straight to condemning.
The heart is deceitful, because if we allow it to rule us, we may end up doing that which is not of the Spirit but that which is of the flesh. We may become distracted by superficial matters that do not address real problems. We can allow ourselves to be influenced by forces that work for evil and not for good. We may find ourselves championing causes that have nothing to do with doing what is right and everything that is wrong.
“The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17: 9)
There is no one here on this earth that has not struggled with this. While there are those who are winning the battle there are many more who have lost, and who take pleasure in the losing of their soul to wickedness. We have to be constantly on guard for the moments when our weaknesses threaten to overtake the logics of our spirit. It is a spirit that gives us this sense that we are still under construction, even while there are things around us that say otherwise. The Spirit that reminds us that we are not perfect nor are we expected to be perfect. A Spirit that reminds us that we should not think of ourselves as the saviour of anyone, because all we can do, is the best that we can do as imperfect beings.
For there is truth in the fact that in our weakness we see the unrelenting power of the Almighty. It is a power that speaks to the deceitful heart and brings peace to a tormented spirit.
7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
And whose hope is the Lord.
8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,
Which spreads out its roots by the river,
And will not fear when heat comes;
But its leaf will be green,
And will not be anxious in the year of drought,
Nor will cease from yielding fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7-8)