The Sickness Deep Within

The Sickness Deep Within

I am dying.
It's not a virus
that threatens
not a disease
but I have had this sickness
for a very long time
and will carry it for eternity.
I must remain in the dark
as the light slowly fades
because I cannot bear
the looks of disappointment
nor stand in judgement
to be condemned and stoned by all.
I must lay here alone and cold
starved of compassion
denied understanding
because this world does not love to hear the truth
Instead I have been made to pretend
to deny what I have done
to hide my mistakes
for the sake of sensibilities.

I am dying
but before I do 
have mercy on me
shackled by approval I was not free.
It was not my intention
to let this secret kill me.

Smile Garden

Smile Garden

because everything 
will be okay.
you made it today.
and store them in your treasure chest
and take them out
to chase away the pains tomorrow.
and watch your brain do a happy dance.
forget about your fears
and embrace the chance to sing and dance
for as long as you can.
Smile now
and do it really, really prettily 
for you see
this is when you beauty shines.
because you made it on the other side.
don't forget to make it really wide
wide enough to catch the stormy clouds
that hang
just outside your reach
be the vision
make your smile the Elysian
and watch your smile
blossom and create a perfect memory garden.

Invisible One

Invisible One

Watch and see 
they are coming this way.
"Hey you don't see mi here
am I invisible?"
How can they know me
if they don't see me?
everyday it is the same thing.
people try to sit on me
walk through me
step over me
and never look at me.
see to be seen
I must be loud
buy my own crown
and put it over my crown.
I must pretend to be
something that will be seen
just not me.
Ah mean
don't feel sorry - 
I don't.
But I know
I must find my hole
make it bold
make there my home.

Benched for Life

I was listening to a conversation recently and I could relate to what was being discussed. So I thought maybe many someones out there have felt this way too. Have you every felt benched in life? Yes you are working, socializing, seemingly living your life, but you are not in the game. You are not a player, but you have been played – at least once. You see others seeming to live their lives the way they want to, achieve certain things and you wonder if you have been crazy glued to that bench in the corner – out of sight out of mind.

There, everything happens in slow motion and you just cannot get things fully off the ground. When you see others hurriedly going about their business, there you are waiting. The waiting is the hardest when you sit without a plan and hope for the best. You wonder if you should protest or keep quiet, because making a sound may draw too much attention to the cracks you made on that bench.

Also, on that bench you feel trapped and you may find it hard to be happy, at one time or another, for those who are playing and winning – even if they are on your team. It’s not easy to be happy for everyone when you have come to see yourself as the dark horse without the success. Hard to feel compelled to even think of yourself as being in the game and so you try to divorce yourself from the whole situation, unsuccessfully too.

However, I think to be on the bench is to have placed yourself there. No one is keeping me or you or anyone on that bench. Sometimes we may walk off the pitch before the game is over, because we are so blinded by our as-not-yet experienced defeat. Or maybe we need to think of a game that fits who we are and where we are and not trying to live by a set of rules never intended for us – rules that guarantee our defeat. Maybe it’s not that we have been placed on the bench but that out of fear we choose to remain on it.

Boomerang Effect

I know sometimes we feel justified about feeling a certain way or reacting a certain way to someone or certain persons, but I have learned through hard lessons the importance of being restraint in how we react to things. We may feel it is necessary to call out someone on something they have said or done but in the long run we may be setting ourselves up for failure, if we try to police others while leaving our own vulnerabilities exposed for lurking vultures to pick at.

Now, I am not saying that is wrong to voice your displeasure about something. Before we do so however, we have to understand the place from which we are speaking from. We also have to think, really think if the perceived issue is based on our own shortsightedness and biases rather than a real genuine concern that by voicing, will lead to a productive outcome. We may feel justified in the moment when we put someone on the spot for what we see as a wrong done to us or others, but are we being disingenuous? Is it about shaming that person into submissiveness based on our position or is it about having a healthy discussion about what we can do to make something better.

Sometimes the wisest course is to mind our own business, if something we see and find displeasure in harms no one but our egos. There is nothing wrong nowadays in following the adage of “live and let live”. Yes, we have our own agenda’s our own perspectives on things but we have to consider if sometimes when we try to correct someone we are not actually trying to foist our agenda on them, because their perspectives do not align with ours.

Life can be so tricky sometimes, because there are times when we feel we are in the right but end up in the doghouse. Often times it is how we choose to approach a matter by saying too much or by saying all the wrong things. Being on the defensive does not guarantee success, instead from what I have experienced and observed, it can lead you in a trap which you will find difficult or impossible to get out of.

So, we need to be more careful and think about if our words or actions, or both, can lead to a boomerang effect, where in trying to be righteous and put others in their place we do not end up being checkmated when all we wanted to do was make a point that should never have been sharpened.

Some belief in karma others belief in fate, lady luck, kismet you name it, but our actions have consequences and this we must remember. The same energy you give out will be directed back at you. Therefore it is better to begin from a place of love, understanding and healthy dose of compassion, instead of one grounded in self-righteousness that makes you the “weak might” that ends up never being in the right when all is said and done.

Love What You Have.

When you love what you have. You have everything you need…

Maybe I have it all wrong and maybe I need to think this through some more. Could it be that in focusing on what we want and what we do not have that we have failed to realize how much we do have, at points in our lives. Yes, we have all heard and know the sentiment of appreciating what we have, but we often do not, and I know I have not and need to be honest about this. There are times when we realise that we do have things to be grateful for but that epiphany does not go very far. Too often the reasons to be grateful are buried under an avalanche of desires that occupy our waking and sleeping moments. When we go to bed we are consumed by them and when we wake up they greet us first thing.

Maybe we need to more intentional about first loving what we have, not just being grateful that we have them but actually loving on them. Loving them to the point where if we never get those things we dream of we will be okay. We will be okay and love the life that we enjoy because of them. We will be okay, mentally and spiritually. We will be okay with no regrets that this thing never happened or we were never able to get those things we placed on our bucket list.

It is truly hard sometimes to realize that we are pushing aside what we have for what we desire. However, sometimes before we can get something else we need to show that we can love what we have. Whether it is a talent with think is not so impressive, a job, a possession or even the people around us, we have to love them and show appreciation for them no matter what. It doesn’t matter if they can help us get ahead or if no one else appreciates those things you appreciate. What matters is that we take the time to give love and show gratitude for having them. I know the saying is true from my experience: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. We cannot lose sight of the importance of what we already have, they matter. They have helped to shape us and they will forever be a part of who we are. Therefore, while we pursue new dreams may we never forget those we have attained and while we seek new paths let us not leave the things or people we have gathered from old routes behind.

Love what you've got
because you need them to thrive
love what you've got
without them you may not survive
all the trappings 
that seem to frame all your dreams
that take you further
away from yourself.

Love what you got
they are your saving grace.
Love what you've got
Let that set your pace.

The Enemy Within

The Enemy Within

A spring bubbles up and bursts forth
lots of promise 
lots of pomp.
As it gets bigger and flows down
it faces lots of twist and turns.
The winding mounting from which it must descend
made it tired
and it stopped.
it gathered to itself
things it thought
would make it strong 
With each new stop it gathered more
some good,
mostly bad.
By the time it reached the sea
it had brought new dangers disguised as friend
though it was foe.
Because it loved it the sea 
with open arms
to receive the daggers it had wrought.