Tag: growth

The Politics of Being Nice

I’m not sure, but I have always felt uncomfortable when people describe me as ‘nice’. Along with the seeming dismissive nature of the label has been this kind of sympathy, which was not encouraging but felt condescending. There was another word they wanted to use, but they were being nice to me. I carried this discomfort until it became a burden. I wanted to shout, “I am not nice, I am trying to be less selfish in my interactions with others!” But I did not do so. Instead, I smiled and pretended that it was the compliment I knew it was not. I did not know why, but I can now unequivocally say, I despise the description “nice”. Because I know it was never a compliment, it was: a form of dismissal, a means of exploitation, silencing and a green light to manipulate. I am not nice.

I realise that being nice can be a social currency, a way to remain in people’s good graces, also known as people pleasing and a way to feel a sense of belonging. However, I am at the age when I no longer want to please, belong or be in anyone’s good graces. I want to ignore you if I do not want to be in your space, to eat what I want, dress how I want, and just be. I am not nice. I have been nice for too long, and the sweet treats I used to receive are like a retriever or bitter, venomously poisonous. I want to retire from the stage, and so I bid, nice, adieu. Instead, I will disappoint everyone and remove the costume. Because being nice is not based on authenticity but requires years of practice – usually in childhood – to perfect a false image, a mask that often slips. Panic attacks, bulimia, anxiety, depression, anorexia and a loss too great to write on this page are all by-products of trying to be nice. So you see, I can no longer be nice. I can no longer lie about things, places and people I do not like or feel uncomfortable with. I can no longer aim for uniformity and conformity. I must bury the dream of perfection, or die.

I want to be kind. I want to be kind to myself by going at my own pace and discovering what it means to be happy and content. I want to make room for myself in my story, and then when I am satisfied, I will build a house and invite a few people over to be my housemates. I spent over 10 years having my energy drained, sucked dry of life by my own mistakes. I will be kind to you based on your intentions and based on your actions. Motivation is critical, and execution is vital. So I will not be nice, but I will decide whether or not I will be kind.

Nice got me used, stressed out and disrespected. I’m not nice. I’m a good person. There’s a difference.” (Unknown).

The Sunflower

I tap down hard
anchored and true
I will shine for you.
In the mist of winter
my essence gives light
in spring I bring the promise
Summer bountiful harvest
Autumn gets cold
but I will remain by your side.
Trouble is not welcome here
only song birds and hare
faithfully I give them dreams
of bountiful fields
yet to come.
With me you will grow
strong and tall
In your deserts or meadows
I will come and make a show.
When words fail
my love will remain
long after you see me no more.

Be

Well, you can imitate everyone you know

I like you
you seem strong
have it together
know your plans
have a focus.
So I will take your voice
put it in my pot
The way you move
walk
and smile.
I will fix my face to look like yours
you belief in this?
I will too!
I can fix me
forget my fringe
they look frazzled
because I cannot find my center.
Keep talking
so I can know you
understand you
step into you.

But now - 
there are,
so many yous,
years of collection
they are heavy...
so confused
don't know who to be
who to be 
today I am - 
tomorrow I will be - 
no!
Can I take these off?

can I still be?

Caterpillar to a Butterfly

Caterpillar to a Butterfly

Look at me move
whoa
I move so fast.
No one can stop me now.
I believe I can fly.
nimbly I move 
from tree to tree
Oh my this is sweet!
I eat all day,
everyday
and there is nothing you can say.
I am a master 
an expert you see
There is nothing better 
than what I am called to be.

But suddenly
I get tired
and must rest.
So in my cocoon
I make my nest.

But as I wake 
look up and stretch
I feel my body has reset!
Where once I was long and around
glory be! 
That catterpillar cannot be found!
In its place I now have wings!
And guess what?
They flutter, flop and sing.
Now I can move at lightening speed
Oh this is so much more fun!
Oh yes indeed 
this is a dream!

Growing Through It

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There are many ways in which we can take the things that happen to us. We can freak out, get mad or stay sad, forever. It’s easier to develop a particular attitude, depending on what we think mostly happens to us. So things are great, life is great! Then disaster strikes and life is so unfair and then it becomes real rough staying above water. When we face difficulties that seem like a great epic – when will it end – we often say we are going through something. When we use that phrase, going through, then what we are really saying is that we are, at that moment, experiencing something unpleasant or difficult. But we never consider how that phrase reveals our inability to see the value of the experience. We only know that things are not going the way we want them to go! We become so consumed by the present situation that we forget that this thing is only for a moment and like everything else, will eventually pass…

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our bodies are constantly in the river of change and transformation

Deepak Chopra

If we decide instead to grow through what we experience, then we go through the most difficult times stronger than we were before. We can come out on the other side better than we were.When we grow we magnify the potential locked within us and can not only tell the tale, but become an example to others that anything is possible, if we remain optimistic in the face of great adversities. We have to accept and allow the hard seasons in life to be our teacher; we can learn so much about ourselves, people and the things around us. So the next time you go through something, remember to practice your smile and laughter for the happiness to come.

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Strength…

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Inner strength is an experience that leads to a sense of peace and having a sense of well-being. Being strong is hard especially when others do not expect you to be. We can easily allow situations to overwhelm us to the point where we cannot move forward, because we only can see the path we left behind. When we would rather stay in the happiness of the “good ol’ days”, then we can say forget being strong and just be complacent.

I have had to be strong many times. The first was when my mother left me behind and I, out of sheer terror ran behind her only to be beaten back to my new home. I had to learn to live without her. To only see her once per week and sometimes months in between. I felt like an orphan.

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I had to learn how to be strong when my grandmother, my second mother, died the day before my first exam, in the first year of university. When I had to attend her funeral I made sure to cry before and not during it. I had to be strong when I was told after the first year that since my grandmother’s death the little money available to me to go to school, had evaporated over night. I had to be strong, when Mondays to Fridays I went most days at school eating very little or nothing at all because I did not have enough for food and bus-fare. I had to be strong when all it seemed I was working for was not to leave university without a degree. I had to be strong working from 6:00 a.m to 7:30 p.m Mondays to Fridays each summer, after her death, so that I could have some money to go back to University, even with student loans. At least I had a way out.

And once I left I thought, ” well, I no longer have to struggle, once I get a job” – how Naive! I lost my strength many times since then and from most of life’s hard knocks I have not recovered. But I still have to be strong in order to get back to my true strength to meet my true true self again. So I can say hi, hello, how are you to the girl I once knew.

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