you only live once – Page 9

About Labels…

Be a person and not an adjective!
Me

labels can be damaging; so can we get rid of them?

People will label you no matter what you do. I remember many times when I was younger when I was the head “cook and bottle washer”, in giving unflattering names to my numerous victims and afterward go about my business content with my lot in life. Today, I realize that I hate labels. I dislike intensely when persons view me in a particular way and expect me to be that way for the rest of my life – this from a girl who is indecisive about what I want to eat, wear, be and the list is endless. The irony is, I accept their typecasting because unlike when I was younger, what people thinks matter to me. So, we assume the labels given to us because we suddenly realize that people don’t want you to be yourself, they want you to be what they want you to be, no matter if you like it, yes or no.

So what can we do?

I really don’t have THE ANSWER.

All I have is the belief that we need to unlearn some of the most damaging things we have learned and practice as we get older since; one those things is our acceptance of being labelled.

I realized today that I was thinking one week behind the actual date!

I had always told myself that I can’t concentrate and really cannot focus on anything for long and I believe that this is catching up with me. So when the end of December came I did not register that it was not the last week of November even though I had seen the calendar; my mind did not catch up to the fact. I have also said for many years, that I have a problem remembering names, and guess what this has gotten worse over the years! Another case involves my hearing. Since high school I have been telling all who would listen that I have a hearing problem and you guessed it, it has gotten worse!

The labels that others give us can be damaging – even those that seem good too – but that is not makes them stick. When we belief we are those labels then they become true. So do I have a hearing problem? No but my ears have gotten lazy – I guess it was tired of me always putting it down. Do I lack the ability to focus? No, but I have taught myself to be that way.

I heard and then read a story of a trans man, Lee Harris, who wanted to reverse the procedure, after being on an 11 years journey to becoming what he thought he wanted to be. The story appeared on the Metro website in 2018 and again on the BBC website, in November 2019. The point is that Lee/Debbie saw a new identity,a new label, as a savior from years of trauma as a result of being sexually abused as a child. However, gender reassignment did not provide the new lease on life sought. Instead it resulted years later in a desperate cry for help to change back into what he was trying to run from; the true self.

For us labels can seem good. they may elevate us in the eyes of others and we may have a sense of belonging; but, if we decide to change in anyway, those same labels may imprison us and create more problems than we can deal with.

It’s easy to assume labels: we fail at doing one thing out of everything we did right and suddenly we are failures, or incompetent or stupid and it becomes impossible. We need to learn not to be a part of the hype in order not to be destroyed by it.

If you don’t want to be stuck, limited or misrepresented forget about the label and show up as yourself. All of you. Be a person and not an adjective!

Tell No One

I have decided that I will no longer be telling anyone what I want to achieve or plan on doing – yet here I am telling you that I will stop doing what I am currently doing- telling you what I’m not suppose to tell you I am going to do.

Here goes.

I have, in the past told others what I planned to do and guess what? Half or more have still not been achieved. Telling them did not motivate me to accomplish them, in fact I stressed myself out so much about completely everything within a certain deadline that nothing got done!

It became – and still is- irritating when they continually asked, ” aren’t you done yet, ” with this or that, as if I had invited them along for the ride.

But wait! I did invite them.

By telling them about my plans, I now realized I made them a part of it. I did give them permission to butt in and ask me questions about the things I said I would do. Whether out of curiosity, or genuine concern, for better or worst, I had made them a part of that journey.

Well no more, it’s too much pressure!

So moving forward I will be travelling solo, and information will be shared on a NEED to know basis.

When I feel I absolutely have to share something, I will write it down in a journal. Yes, journaling will be my way of getting everything out that’s about to burst out of me.

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The truth is telling everyone what you plan to do or want to do is taking time away from actually getting things done. Plus, it is somewhat narcissistic! Whether or not people know what you are doing does not diminish its value.

There are people who feel the need to do so for what ever reason, but their reason does not have to be my reason or your reason or anyone else’s reason!

I am going to be like a caterpillar that cocoons itself until I am ready to transform and take flight. It doesn’t matter who sees or knows because I will.

It’s time for me and everyone who does this, to stop telling people what we want to do and let the results speak for themselves.

And Then… December!

Today is the first day of the last year! And I know many of us are looking forward to this end. It’s time to get ready to end the year with a bang – and it takes all 31 days people.

For many 2019 has been good and bad in many many ways. There are some who will say that in all honesty, it has been a difficult year in many ways. I’m not saying that it was all bad, but, when you put it all together it has been a year filled with many challenges.

So we – maybe out of desperate optimism – believe that because it is nearing the end of the year, come 2020 all our struggles will disappear, like magic. We believe that awesome things MUST replace all the difficulties that we have experienced. Well I bet you felt that way at the end of 2018.

2019 is gonna be the best year ever! Until it wasn’t.

Sorry I hate to break this to you – well not really – live doesn’t work like that. Things don’t change because it’s a new day, month or year. The baggage that we carried throughout the year, can still weigh us down next year.

If we want to get rid of some of the things that we know we don’t need to carry, we should do exactly that; get rid of it. While you get distracted by the revelry, and good cheer of the season remember to keep in mind the need to start working on improving things in 2020 – if you have not done so yet. While it is the beginning of the end for 2019, make sure you’re getting ready to face 2020.

And finally, remember that advent begins today and ends on Christmas Eve; use these four weeks to focus on what will help keep you grounded in the coming year: faithfulness(peace), hope, joy and love!

Are You A Boxer?

Many will say that Boxer in, Animal Farm by George Orwell, has many admirable qualities that we aspire to have. He is loyal, kind-hearted, hard-working and always willing to go above and beyond the call of duty – an enigma for too many of us. It is also important to mention that the story also acts as a political allegory about revolution and power and those impacted by such events. Specifically, it’s an allegory of the Russian Revolution from 1917-1923. This revolution has been described as a violent one (Bloody Sunday Massacre of 1905), which saw the end of imperial rule and the beginning of Communist rule and the formation of the soviet union.

What starts off in Animal Farm as a successful uprising and promise of a better future losses momentum with the replacement of the old, (Old Major), with the new (Napoleon and his minions). Things quickly go sour as the pigs, in a position of power, manipulate the legacy of Old Major (Animalism), to control the other animals, while solidifying their power and wealth.

And this is where we bring in Boxer…

Image result for allegory meaning in animal farm

I was talking to a friend of mine about working hard at whatever we do, and he mentioned Boxer; ” yuh remember what happened to Boxer, from Animal Farm? Dem tun him inna glue!”

Yes Boxer played a vital role in the development of the farm in its new era. His indomitable spirit inspired the other animals when their fortunes changed and he worked relentlessly for the good of the farm. But at what cost?

Instead of receiving trophies, incentives and other accolades for his effort, and retiring in bliss, he is sold off to be made into glue when he is of no more use! His worth? Whiskey for Napoleon and the other pigs! All that he receives is the title of hard worker, “he was a true hard worker”. He was loyal to a fault and though he was the strongest animal on the farm, he used his strength to serve those who exploited him and not to improve the conditions of the other animals facing the same exploitation. The worse part was that when something went wrong he always blamed himself and vowed to work harder. He had become too use to taking orders, to trying to get things right and always being obedient and never disobedient.

Sometimes we think we are acting independently and never realize that we have been programmed to follow a path created for us; the mind has been programmed.

So, the lasting image of Boxer is his effort to make the mill:

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To see him toiling up the slope inch by inch, his breath coming fast, the tips of his hoofs clawing at the ground, and his great sides matted with sweat, filled everyone with admiration…

Then again, it could be for me the most tragic scene in the book. This is when Boxer taken away to be slaughtered; for Boxer it is the last time we will see or hear him…

…Although the animals warn him, it is too late. Boxer is already loaded into and locked in the truck for the glue factory. His strength is compromised by his failing health. His desperation is apparent by the sound of “tremendous drumming of hoofs inside the van, but he is too weak to break free.

There are many lesson here:

Be careful who you trust they may take advantage of you!
Never follow anyone blindly, even your friends.
Even the best of us can be controlled and manipulated if we let it happen to us.
Know your worth and never compromise.
Make your own path and lead the way.
Make your dreams a reality and don’t die on someone else’s
Be the best you can be but never be someone’s ladder.
Know and embrace your limitations and never see them as a negative but as a reminder that you will never be unemployed because you’re always working on yourself!

And many more if we think hard enough.

I read Animal Farm when I was fourteen years old and I was so inspired by the revolution carried by the animals, brought to tears by the sacrifice and ill-treatment of Boxer and the other animals. Saddened by the anti-climatic nature of the revolution’s aftermath, especially after Old Major’s death. Angered by the greedy, heartless and corrupt pigs – a suitable animal for such a role! And the really sad truth that there are people who lie, deceive and undermine those who for whatever reason find themselves at a disadvantage. Also, there are many who trust too much, give too much and receive very little or nothing in return, just like Boxer. Their lives become tragic.

Although Boxer had the ability to be an inspiring hero, in this story he is a tragic- hero figure; one to be pitied and pointed at,

“that is what not to do!”

Life teaches hard lessons, never be too gullible to learn them, and learn them well.

A bird in Hand: By Design.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
Meaning:
It is better to have a lesser yet certain advantage at something, than the possibility of a greater one that may come to nothing.
akatheversatile.com

Originally, the English proverb above came from the medieval falconry which loosely means that a falcon was worth more than the prey . Etymologically, the expression was first used in the 15th century and then the 13th century Latin expression : Plus valet manibus avis unica quam dupla silvis ( using wood instead of bush). There is also evidence of a similar expression in the 6th century B.C.E of Near Eastern Origin, proverbs of Ahiquar: a sparrow in thy hand is better than a thousand sparrows flying. But is this necessarily true?

It is a proverb I have heard all my life but I am now thinking about it seriously. If we were to think of it, is it always best to hold on to what you have instead of trying for something better? We have to be grateful for what we have, but do we have to always be satisfied with it? What we need to ask is how valuable is the bird in hand versus what we may be chasing.

Those things that you do not have that you desire how real are they? Many persons now are kind of pretenders – there are some serious catfishing taking place. We see what they want us to see and bam! We are convinced that we have to be them, have what they have and do what they do. So we end up looking at ourselves and our lives and we are bitterly disappointed and just like that we hate what we have achieved – not enough, what we are – lacking in every area!

We don’t realize that we have much more than those we envy, until we lose it.

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While it’s good to strive for more, make sure it’s because you are following a path that is true to who you are and what you believe. This is when you will get what belongs to you, and you will know this because as my granny use to say:

Wat is fi yuh cyaa be un fi yuh”. Meaning – What is yours will always be yours.

Image result for to be alive is a privilege quote

So You Don’t Become What You Speak Against.

Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
― C.G. Jung

I don’t like when people are selfish but I have acted selfishly. I can’t tolerate hypocrites, but I cringe when I realize that I have said something hypocritical. Being self-aware, what does this mean?

Before I decided to look more on this, I did not know there was a self-awareness theory – there seems to be one for every thing under the sun. Well, according to the Cambridge Dictionary, a very basic definition involves, knowing and understanding yourself very well. However, in Social Psychology, self-awareness is when: “people can think, act and experience and when they can think about what they are thinking, doing and experiencing” (Encyclopedia.com). For Shelly Duval and Robert Wicklunds their theory of self-awareness focuses on how the self can lead to self-evaluation , using as their measuring stick, “standards of correctness that specify how the self ought to think, feel and behave” (Encyclopedia.com). Therefore, being self-aware is seen as crucial for ones sense of self-control. So, being self-aware is a ticket to controlling those things about yourself that you wish you could carve out and throw away forever.

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But there is a crisis here, you can become too self-aware, according to the experts. It can make your impression of yourself become distorted – well you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But here is what I am interested in highlighting, we need to try and be aware of and be honest about our intentions when we do and say something. Instead of focusing on what others are doing and trying to come to a conclusion on people’s motives, we need to wisely use the time to assess ourselves. Yes the world is terrible, because there are some terrible people living here, but do we contribute to this terror without realizing it? Are we aware when we judge and condemn others while doing the same things, or do we really care?

Do we know how to navigate the public self-awareness that we have? When we change our behavior to suit others who are we really fooling, them or ourselves? When we become worried about things about ourselves we cannot change, all because we fear the impression we will leave others with, all because of a “preference” that we do not meet, we will suffer the most, them or us? When we change so much that it really makes sense to go with a whole new name, who becomes the victim? The ones we try to please? I don’t think so.

Sometimes in order not to become the things we speak against, we have to look within and erase the trace matters that exist ready to take control of the me we need to be.

Your Happiness. Your Responsibility.

Who told you that you had the right to depend on someone else to make you happy? There goes another fallacy!
– S Grant

I know, I know, there is this one person or thing that can make you smile no matter what. Also, being around your friends or family or who ever, makes you happy! But here is the thing, you cannot rely on someone else for your happiness.

First, that is asking way too much. Remember, that person wants to be happy too, and if they are busy trying to make you happy, who will do the same for them? Certainly not you because you depend on them, because you can’t make yourself happy.

Sure, they may love you enough to try for a while but if its a constant game of play and repeat, they are gonna end up resenting you. Behind your back they may start grumbling, then they complain then they really get fed up and start finding little ways and things to say to stick it to you. Then ultimately, no one is happy and things fall a part, spectacularly.

Or think about this. That person who is your all, and who is your source of joy and who gives you contentment, may not see you the same way. There you are on a sad day: you can’t eat, sleep or work; you need that person. And there they are, on the other end of the spectrum , they are having a great day, they are living their best live yet!

For many reasons, sometimes we think we can’t be happy with the things we surround ourselves with: we just can’t live without them. Until they’re not there and we have to live without them. I know I spoke about not being an island, but that doesn’t mean you need to be a vine that sucks the joy from everything and everyone. That does not make anyone happy. So, be happy with what you have and who’s around, but don’t expect your happiness to be based on them.

At the end of the day we have no control over how others behave, but we have control over ourselves: Never search your happiness in others. It will make you feel alone. search it in yourself and you will feel happy even when left alone (e-buddhism.com).

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