Author: Simone

Loves to tell and hear untold stories about people, places and experiences!

Bad Girl

You're not a good girl
you are not nice
today
you made mistakes 
today
you're not a good girl.
You did not smile
most days
say hello
with a smile on your face
you got nothing done
you are not good.
you have done
nothing right
for a good while
no good
you are not good.
you told a lie 
last night
today -
you caused offense -
disrepected
disappointed
you are not good.

Can I be human?

The Stand…

It rose suddenlyb-
a trembling
rocked the stones
they danced in manic glee. 
leaves staggered in confusion
fall guiltlessly.
no one
not one
to be found
no one around.
a pregnant cloud takes up command.
the outporing at hand.
still
no one
not one
around.
the winds whipped
cat-o-nine whistled
skin broken
blood spewing.
no one
not one 
around.
they all ran
both wolf
and sheep.
One must die.
Which one will it be?
Batttered
buffeted
strained.
Build up or
scatter.

Quaerite fontem

Unmerited Favour

walking down the road I slipped
skidded on pride
almost died
looked down
someone left a banana peel
cool
got up again
down a broken way
saw a puddle
jumped
right in
mud everwhere
showered with scum
down inthe slum
for a while
I stayed.
Then one day
the buggy man ran, won
run me out of town
thought I was done
till I got a ride
on the other side
where there are fields
of buds
blossoms
ready to burst
with sweet frangce
beauty from ashes..

Faith is a Knowing

So this year, my word is faith. I planned to develop my faith in God because I KNEW it was lacking in many ways. Now, I could not imagine that when I said, “God I want to grow in faith, my trust in You”, He would take the assignment so seriously! So in response, He said, “Say less” and ever since I have had so much whiplash that I could say nothing. My year of faith so far has shown God to be the master teacher He is!

Faith as Small as a Mustard Seed

I am realising how little faith I had in God and how much faith I placed in my own ability and in the support of others. I really was saying I trust God but I really did not. Therefore, I have to accept that I really was not faithful to God because I did not trust Him with everything. I have learned so far, that I was doing a lot without accomplishing a lot and so I have to do less, say less and be less. This is really hard because you are expected to do more, say more and be more to succeed. Or at least that is how I felt. I have tried my way and my way led me into a wall. But I thought that I could devise a plan to get over the wall and then tell everyone it was God when He really was never a part of the plan. I did not have the seed. I was planting on rocking ground with bad seeds. Seeds that were corrupted by many past traumas and disappointments. My seeds were tainted by distrust. Therefore, my faith in God was struggling and did not realise how much. The word is the seed.

What is faith?

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

I thought I knew Hebrews 11:1 but I did not. Because it was so familiar I could not see the truth that I did not know how to recognise confidence or trust as choices. I know God loves me but I was neither confident of this nor did I trust in this. There were too many wrongs done on my part, why would He love me unconditionally? Why didn’t I have to prove, at all times, that I deserve His love? I did not know the word at all. Reading the bible multiple times means nothing if the Bible is read like any other book. I heard that I had to meditate on the word of God but I was not doing that really. So my year of faith has taught me to read my bible, not as a checklist but as a guide to identifying a purpose-driven life. A life that knows God.

Without Faith, it is Impossible to Please God

So, I was not seeking God. I lacked faith, and could not please Him by being confident and trusting Him. I was confusing self-reliance with being a soldier for Christ. “Faith without works is dead,” so I worked hard, told God what I wanted and got into action. When things went south I asked God for help. See the problem? I asked God for help when things did not work out. I did not surrender my plans to Him and by extension my day, my dreams, my relationships, nothing. Did Jesus really suffer and die for me to be lukewarm in my faith? Of course not. I thought I was pleasing God but I was more intuned with pleasing people than God and that led me further from a true relationship with God. I was not honest. Now, I have to diligently seek him

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him (Hebrews 11:6)

So now I seek God because the reward is a true knowledge of God and a relationship with Him. It is also a place of peace.

God’s Plans and Peace

My bible verse for the year is Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I need to learn and believe every facet of this verse. I do not yet. I know it, have known it from I had the sense to know the bible was the bible. However, I never believed it. I want to believe it now. For me, this verse is a love note from God. No matter who it was meant for at the time ti was spoken, I have decided that He had me in mind when He said it also. I need this love note to calm my fears and as a salve for my wounds. It will cure my fractured heart. It will remind me of hose I am when I do not recognise myself.

God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. (Hebrews 11:40)

So God has a plan. Right now I do not and it is an uncomfortable place to be because it is unfamiliar. However, it is the best place to be because it is where I need to be. “God had planned something better”, there is no plan better than God’s plan. Saying that and knowing this is faith. There is peace in His words, “Be still and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10). So, I am learning that a part of Faith is being still.

Maladaptive Daydreaming and Sleep

So much trouble in the world
So much trouble in the world

Bless my eyes this morning
Jah sun is on the rise once again
The way earthly things are going
Anything can happen

Bob Marley and the Wailer, Survival Album, 1979

Yes, there is so much trouble in the world right now and it seems forever that escapism seems to be a drug more and more of us feel compelled to take. Some forms of escapism include physical activities (yes that is correct), working, overeating (guilty), alcohol abuse, drug abuse, substance abuse, pornography, gambling, daydreaming and the list goes on. Escapism is a fancy way of saying we tap out for a while because we cannot or refuse to deal with some aspect of life or life in totality. We do not want to be reminded of things or baggage we keep dragging around so we seek solace in one thing or another. While we think we are escaping we are killing ourselves. Escapism, which includes suppressing our emotions, has been linked to a 35% increase in death and a 70% increase in death from cancer. Now, other side effects of escapism do not paint a very glowing picture of what many believe to be a balm from reality. This is because escapism has been linked to addiction, withdrawal, mental health challenges, loss of job, decreased productivity, physical health challenges and relationship challenges.

Now Maladaptive daydreaming can be viewed as meeting at an intersection with escapism:

For those that are more introverted and potentially have a more creative disposition, the way in which they dissociate from themselves is not by getting absorbed in the exterior world, but rather by entering further into a more abstract interior world via daydreaming.

https://maladaptivedaydreaming.org/blogs/md/the-intersection-between-maladaptive-daydreaming-and-escapism

The danger of maladaptive daydreaming is that we become so enticed by the escape internally that over time many spend more time there and develop a wrapped sense of reality and may even come to despise their lives because it does not match where our internal world takes us. It leads to an imbalance. It leads to disease. This disease can manifest from daydreaming to insomnia and daydreaming, a cycle that can adversely affect the quality of our lives. We escape from reality and may want to stay in our controlled crafted world which leads to less and less sleep, affecting how we engage with the world which should be our waking hours. Why? When the dream is more real than your reality you want to stay there for as long as possible and when you lose sleep you go into the world, tired, unable to think straight and with a lacklustre attitude your best friend. So imagine the very thing that seems to keep you going causing more trouble, more disruptions in your world.