Until I Caused It…

I got a note from my aunt once and I never really thought much of it. The note was written on a pretty paper and I kept it more so for the pretty print and the sentimental value but not the words she had written.

Then one day I thought about reusing the paper for a gift – it was so pretty! But I realized – because I had forgotten that something was written on it – that I could not use it and I was disappointed and threw it back down.

Much later I took it up and my blood ran cold and my heart skipped a beat:

” I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen but as the years wasted on nothing ever did, until I caused it to” – Charles Bukowski

How did she know? Did she known that she was giving me a gift and a burden? And I cried for the wasted years.

Now, where must I find the courage and how to stop waiting and make my extraordinary come true?

Doctor’s Visit

Well I went to the doctor and it only confirms that the change was sorely needed. Since my last visit in March I have gained 11 pounds! I knew I was heavier, my clothes and body told me so but still it was a big surprise how much. Since turning 16 years old I have not been this heavy. However the visit was not just about my weight gain, but a way for me to take back control after feeling powerless for a long time. I have already told know it will not be easy, but as the doctor said the weight has got to go! However, eating too much was not the only cause, not only do we need to take care of our physical health but more so our mental health. I have not been stressed in a long time and it really took a toll on my body, mind and emotions. It really is true that your mental and physical selves are so interwoven that the breakdown of one leads to the breakdown of the other. What made this period worse was that I felt I had no one who would understand what I was going through. I have felt so alone in this period than I have for a long time.

waiting room

Visiting the doctor lifted a burden I did not know I had, off my shoulders. There were certain fears about my health both mental and physical that I had not voiced to anyone around me and it made me feel good to share it. It was good to feel I was in a non-judgemental space where I could unload a bout something that would lead to absolutely no judgement. So now I don’t fear the doctor as much the next time, and I won’t wait so long to go the next time. for the rest of the year, I plan to visit the doctor every month and get the necessary tests done to do my part in ensuring I am as healthy as I can be – under the circumstances. However this is just the beginning. While it is true that your health is your wealth, I also feel honesty in all areas of live is crucial moving forward. I hope this will lead to less future misunderstandings and hurt feelings with those I come in contact or have relationships with.

While we do our best to cope with the changes still ahead, we should never forget that we need to constantly assess how we are positively impacting the lives of others. I will do my best to encourage those around me to take their physical and mental health seriously. I am slowly realising that it is not enough that whatever change each of us experience just benefit us, but it should also be beneficial to those who need to see and experience the change along with us.

So I am committed to this journey, I do not know where it will take me but I hope I never feel as if I am taking the journey alone again.