Well, this may seem a bit harsh but, listen to me for a minute.
We all want to belong somewhere to represent something and to realize that we have a community we belong to. All very human and hence very natural. However, as the picture above shows, just because you fit doesn’t mean you belong.
That image is genius for the simple reason that sometimes when we pray we pray to fit somewhere and not to belong there. Now we may not have thought before about the difference but it’s very important.
Now common sense says when you fit it means you want to be there you have inserted yourself in the mix but no one else may want you there except you. Imagine that situation – well most of us can because we have tried or are trying to fit in – you struggle all your life to be accepted somewhere where all you have experienced is a struggle and not triumph.
Now to belong, the word even sounds so right, so warm and inviting, is something different. To belong means that you want to be there and you are wanted there. In such a situation others will uplift you, support and guide you in the right way. There is no need to struggle because you are with people, whose support you fully have.
But guess what? We don’t need to fit in, because fitting in a choice that we make. We don’t need to do what everyone is doing or chasing the same dream. We don’t need to panic because we have reached a “milestone” and don’t have everything nicely figured out. We can throw away the goal post all together instead of just moving it! We certainly don’t need to chase anyone down to be seen; that leads to burn out. Plus, it means that you will never go beyond a certain point because you have limited yourself in a space you never belonged in the first place.
Instead, do what makes you happy, it’s hard for many but all we can do is work at it. Also it helps to be around people who you have things in common with, this too is hard for some, but again, not impossible. So, there is a running theme here, if you want to belong you have to step outside that comfort box and do the mileage.
I’m sure that if we really want to feel comfortable in our skin and experience some of that sublime joy that belonging brings. the work won’t seem hard at all. There is a quote that I wan leave you with a mind-blowing, earth-shattering quote:
What does it mean to prove yourself? Also, who stands to benefit the most from your doing so?
Sure there are persons who don’t care what others think of them or what they do. However, there are more persons who do. Those of us who do spend too much time worrying of been labeled a “bad persons”. Too much time is spent trying to appease everyone whose opinions we think matter and none on discovering things about ourselves.
Many feel they have to be constantly proving their worth based on the expectations of others or even their humanity. It becomes a tragic tale of trying to keep up with the Joneses when the Jonese do not really care. When we cannot keep up, many persons decided that there are things inherently flawed about them, that they are broken and irredeemable. Having this mindset, has led many persons to fall into the rabbit hole of a depression that is nearly impossible to ever truly get out of. Therefore, it is important to be aware of when you begin this descent, to break the fall so that you do not go too deep.
It’s difficult to be like someone else, because we are not suppose to. It’s hard to be successful, because we are operating on someone else’s idea of success. It’s hard to define who we are, because we think we have to be defined. It’s hard to prove ourselves, because we have nothing to prove.
In high school I had the bestest friend ever, and I often saw her as the complete opposite of me. When I was still loud, immature and still a tomboy, she was quiet, mature and lady like. When I was thrilled by a good cuss-out and fighting she was not amused. However, I loved her; she was nothing like me, at times she was so nice she made me so sick, in the best way possible. But I appreciated her because she made me realize that it wasn’t always necessary to be loud and rough and a general wild child. I on the other hand, think I helped her to be a little less uptight. At the end of the day, I did not see our differences at that young age as a barrier, but as a way we complimented each other. I had nothing to prove to her and neither did she to me, we just got each other and loved each other for our differences.
However, I have noticed that it is as we get older that live really does a number on us. As we get older we are expected to be a certain way and be living a certain live that just is not realistic; we are not the same. We all cannot pursue the same dreams and care about the same things. Persons who are trying to have that universal dream , have to be honest enough to know that in trying to prove something they may end up being impostors. The need to wear a mask becomes one of the by-products of proving things to others. We become ten different versions of a self we cannot come to terms with and end up being far from our compass.
Anger becomes another by-product. Many who are angry at the world, reach that point because it seems no matter how hard they try, they always fall short. So they become angry at friends, family, the old lady down the road, the man walking pass them, the children making too much noise and the lucky few who boast about their accomplishments. Everything and everyone becomes a problem, until the only thing they have is their anger.
In a fair world we would know we don’t need to prove a thing to anyone. Our worth and value have always been there. Who we are has been known to us from birth. To question this, means that we either have or we are trying to prove to others that we are who they think we should be. What we all need to do is temper our expectations of what we can do; not trying to be all and have all, but confident in being your natural self.
There is no need to be ashamed of who you are. Stop trying to convince yourself that you are that label you have been pinned with and realize that you can never be anyone other than who you are.
Some of us would take our time, if we knew that we are rushing to our deaths
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Thank God it’s Friday”, never sounded as sweet as it does, when you’ve had a trying week.
So it’s important to remember to take things easy. At the end of the day we really can only do so much and no more. It’s amazing how terrible something appears to be until we are on the other side looking back at what was. Nothing seems as bad as it was when it’s over, and even for one perfect moment, there is a sense that there are no impossibilities.
Great, we have survived the week and we now feel invincible and we deserve to take the time to recuperate and seek a quiet moment to get ready for things yet to come. It really makes no sense to carry on with things that we realize are a burden to us. Instead, what we need to do is to let go of some of the baggage we struggled with this week. It’s okay to let go of missed opportunities and unrealistic dreams. It’s okay to grow a little older, because with it comes a little more wisdom. This is the wisdom to make choices that will enrich our live.
Also, while we are at it, let’s release all bad vibrations into the atmosphere and collect to ourselves, positive wholesome energy. After all, each day, week, month and year is another opportunity to finally attain your inner peace.
It feels sometimes like life is one long sentence that seems to carry no full stop. You then begin to wonder at the wisdom of some of your choices just when you're ready to stop, you hear a voice telling you, you're approaching the light.
Nothing is forever.
IS this a positive or negative? Change is good whether you get what you wanted or not. It's good to approach your challenges with the knowledge that change is just around the corner. This change that will ultimately lead to where you want to go.
Now should we wait to reach the light To live? The light is ready to be lit no matter the situation. A smile to block out the pain, a word of kindness to erase a wound thoughtfulness and love to cure all incurables. These are all perfect ingredients to see the light, to be in the light.
When you decide not to hold on for dear life, maybe then you can live life until you can't. It never pays to stop to wonder what road will lead to success, that vision has been compromised. Better to be led by the light. Close your eyes, see and trust what you cannot see with your eyes wide opened.
The less you know of those dark places, the more likely it is to feel the power of the sunshine the wonder of the moon light. To never wonder at miracles likely to happen when you stop looking for all that is wrong and celebrate that one good thing.
Just think,
this life will never be yours again. This smile last for only a while, these hands can only flow for a moment.
Stand straighter step strong, move with fluid movements. celebrate this one good life.
Feel the wind lift you higher and no matter what, don't look down.
Your destiny does not lie in looking down but flying higher and higher. No one said the flight would be smooth. Ride the wave of the turbulence laugh in the face of storms past, present and those to come.
Allow the wonder of finally seeing the light to be the eighth wonder of the world.
Better yet make it the only wonder that counts.
It is hard to begin, but once you have started to see, you can glimpse the beauty that was already there. When you have lost much, put the brightest and loudest colors on what you have left.
Those are what matter.
When you finally rest in the light, smile, you made it. Finally, you have seen the light.
If there should be a poor man among your relatives in one of the cities of the land that the Lord your God is about to give you, don’t be hard-hearted or tight-fisted toward your poor relative. Instead, be sure to open your hand to him and lend him enough to lessen his need.
Deuteronomy 15:7-8
Today in the bus going home, a person with a disability stood up and asked for some money, ” even $10 or $20″. Now in usual fashion you had some who gave and some who did not – FYI most did not. Now if we know anything, it is that some people are professional beggars, while secretly doing well for themselves. As a result of this of this, many of us have hardened our hearts to the seeming begging epidemic we see on the streets.
As holy people whom God has chosen and loved, be sympathetic, kind, humble, gentle, and patient.
Colossians 3:12
Now as he walked down the isle of the bus collecting from those who were willing to give, I thought, ” well I am not gonna be fooled by him!” So I sat there ready not to give, when my conscience attacked me. This attack let me to relent and give him something, but not too much. So I took out a twenty dollar coin to give him. it was the best of both worlds, I was giving him the the higher of what he asked for so no one could say I was not generous. However, while I waited for him to pass by a thought came to interrupt my philanthropic act.
Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy; That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate.
1 Timothy 6:17-18
I suddenly remembered making the promise that I would not give a person who is able bodied my hard earned money, only a person with a disability. However, now that I had the opportunity, I was finding reasons why I should not give. I started to feel uncomfortable, then I realized that I had only made the promise to restrict who to give because I did not want to give at all, and I felt ashamed. When did giving become such a challenge? Or better yet, when did giving to those who needed it the most become such a challenge. We freely give our time and resources to people who do not need them, and when we see someone who really does need them, we are reluctant: ” what if they are playing a trick and don’t really need it?” On the other hand, we give it to people who are doing well, going places and who have potential, but we find it harder to give just to give, with no strings, conditions, or because. Oh, we give to a friend in need, but a person we don’t know who is down to their last dollar cannot be trusted, we don’t know them. Yet the truth is it is often the persons who have the most access to our resources who can do the most damage and not that random person we give a small change to, once and never again.
I have noticed that at times, people are more willing to give a little more to those who seem to be succeeding. We build them and forget about those who have nothing to offer but need so much more. We know that they exist but we do not often see their worth. We do not realize that we have been conditioned to size up a persons worth to us long before we know or understand their story. Sometimes we don’t care. We are too busy protecting the “little” resources we have to care.
So, as I waited for his return I realized that if I am going to be true to my word I have to give willingly. We all need to give willingly especially those we consciously or subconsciously consider the least among us, when they ask us for help.
Give to everyone who asks you for something. Don’t turn anyone away who wants to borrow something from you
So today has been one of those days; when you have a choice to either allow things to get you down and interrupt your day or just go with the flow and roll with the punches.
On Mondays I get up early as usual, but not for work. I get up at 4 a.m. to go to up to the good ole U.W.I, a struggle I hope to overcome soon. I did everything I would normally do, but apparently not everything.
I got to the bus park and guess what the line is super short. This means I will be getting a comfortable seat today! As I stand in line a thought comes to me: “do I have my ID?” And you guessed correctly, I did not. Upon realizing this, couple of thoughts flashed through my mind. Should I just go home and use this as the excuse why I can’t go to school today, after all I can’t use the library without my ID and going there will take up a large chink of my day? Or, do I call my aunt to see if she can get someone to get it to me? Or, do I call a taxi man I know to get it from her to take to me?
Now normally before I think of what to do, I would spend some time cursing the day and fate that caused me to forget my ID! I would probably cry for good measure, because poor me, I did everything right and things are still not working out for me. But i surprised myself today.
I was a bit surprised at how calm I was. I did not complain, curse nor cry. Instead, I picked what I thought was the best solution. I stepped out of the line and called my aunt. But she did not answer the phone. What next could I do? I had called her several times and still not answer. if I went home now no one could blame me, after all I did try. Right?
However, I decided to try another number. My plan worked. I got her and she was able to get to a good taxi friend who could drop it off so I could collect it. As I waited for him I realized I had to use the bathroom, but I did not want to miss him. But I had to go! I went and quickly did my thing and just as I came out he was already there looking around for me, ready to leave. I ran and collected my ID and ran back to the bus park.
Two buses had come and gone since I left and the line was still short. A real miracle. In less than a minute another bus approached. I was able to get a comfortable seat and I was on my way!
Sitting in the bus I thought of the me a year ago. The me who would have been so frustrated at this seemingly insurmountable blockage. I would have given up and called it a day. I would have wallowed in self pity and thought of all the past incidents that prove once more that no matter how hard you try, things just don’t work out sometimes. I would not have been able to see beyond my disappointment to other solutions, to get what I needed in order to go where I wanted to go. However, today I could and I did.
Though I am still affected by things that I should not be affected by, I realized that I am no longer as stressed out as I use to be. I am more realistic in my approach to situations and therefore more rational in how I react and choose to get things done.
A disappointment does not have to result in lingering and all consuming unhappiness. Things do not always happen the way we imagine but that doesn’t mean they will not happen. We may have to shift our plans, take a different route or delay a bit, but we do not have to stop. We do not have to let the actions of others affect our mood nor our dream of where we are headed. We do not have to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes that delay our plans. Maybe we will have to adjust how we get to where we are going, and that’s okay. In the end let nothing stop you from getting there.
It is also easy to do, so we are more tempted to do so than not. If we had to take the time to consider and admit that “everyone doesn’t do the same things, not “everyone thinks the same way” and not “everyone cares about the same things”, then we would have less of a concrete argument for some of the assumptions that we have.
It may seem that I am pointing the finger, and I am. However, it may comfort you to know that it is also pointed at me too, because we have all done this (or am I generalizing?). Sometimes we do it subconsciously and sometimes we are very deliberate about it. When we do not want to consider that there may be another side or some other reasonable explanation we sweep all doubts aside by generalizing. At this point, we are unwilling to listen and we don’t care much about the truth.
So, we go around, sometimes not knowing that we are the hosts to faulty and overgeneralization until we are forced to unmask it hiding within us. By that time, as is often the case, we have caused some direct or indirect damage to those who have to be content with these generalizations, because they have developed into prejudices and discrimination. And poor us for not knowing that using those sweeping generalizations would result in a language of hate and sentiments of division and “othering”.
Also, can you imagine thinking that because someone is from a specific place or does a specific job, you are better than they are? Only to find out, years later, that while you have been dangling on your last shoestring, they have been happily and successfully going about their business. That’s the irony of life when we get caught up in the lies that have become truths in society. Many miss out on the opportunities because of what they think of a place or of “certain” people!
I came across this quote and I think it is something that we all need to think about:
we cannot all become geniuses [and] we cannot all reach the same level.
The Joke’s on You:
I was talking to a friend who asked a student a while ago, how he would feel if he and the garbage collector got the same pay if he was able to get the material things we’re told to aim for, such as the best car, a grand house and so on. The student was adamant that he would not accept that because he and the garbage collector should not be getting the same pay because he is more academically gifted. But then my friend also made the point that some bright or even brilliant sparks who look down on persons with technical skills will never achieve as much as those persons. He further made the point that the act of looking down on persons for perceived shortcomings could be their way of addressing their own sense of inferiority.
Sometimes in generalizing, we feed the us-versus-them complex. With this complex people are vilified, and their very complex and real problems are distorted because we refuse to accept that everything is not black or white. No one is completely good or bad and often times the most interesting accept to a person, and the part we need to pay attention to the most are the grey areas. However, many dismiss the possibility of grey areas in favour of half the truth or no truth.
These ideas are supported all around us. in the exchanges that people have daily. We see it in the archetypal, good guy versus bad guy. Then we perpetuate these beliefs in our interactions with others. We look for certain signs and wonders and deem those to tell the story of who a person is until we are presented with a puzzle. But instead of interrogating our beliefs we deem it an anomaly and continue along in our faulty assumptions and generalizations.
But, we should also never forget that while we may not make generalizations about ourselves we buy into them. Based on how we look, what we have achieved and where we are from, we have accepted and lived out a certain image of who others may think we are. So, not only are we prone to generalizing others, but we also can become co-conspirators of our own generalization, without realizing the damage it has done to us.
I think that is why I love novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s speech, “The Dangers of a Single Story”, so much. It was listening to this speech that made me really question what I do not know about people and places. And while there is much that I still do not know or understand, at least I am more aware of this. Therefore, when I hear about such things as Ebola, I do not assume that all of Africa is affected and when I hear about Haiti, I do not only visualize temporary tent camps. Live is complex because people are complex and you can never fully represent everything that is life and every person in your telling, even in a story that involves them. There isn’t enough time to consider all the facets of a person or situation and you can never fully complete the story of someone’s life. Something will always be missing.
While it is hard to prevent ourselves from always generalizing people places or a situation, we should never accept that information as the truth. We should never be complacent in making authentic the injustice of reducing someone’s humanity to a single idea. A single fable.
