Category: self-care

Aha Diaries: Protect Your Peace

I have found it difficult over the years to protect my peace of mind and to stay sane. There are persons in our lives – some well intentioned, others not- who constantly threaten our overall well being. They come with demands, expectations and problems and you feel you must address them. Before you know it you have taken on more than you can chew and find yourself choking. You look around and find no one to save you, to perform the Heimlich and you panic wondering how you can save yourself. The analogy above seems a bit extreme even overly dramatic but, there are many persons who leave themselves opened to being so frazzled by live and people that they end up feeling as if they’re always on the edge of doom.

Saying No

When I was smaller my granny once asked me why I can never say no to any question asked -especially when it comes to food! Being cheeky I immediately responded, no! However, this has become true in instances where I should say no, dangerous instances when I have made decisions that continue to haunt me to this day. This penchant for saying yes to everyone and everything – especially when I know I should not – has affected my mental wellbeing overtime to the degree where I struggle with making the simplest of decision because I am afraid of history repeating itself, afraid to fail once again, afraid of being so disappointed that I could have another mental breakdown…

So I am slowly working on creating a safe space, internally and externally, that will protect my peace of mind. Sometimes when you are really good at something you are rewarded somehow for that or those talents that you have. Often time, in my experience anyway, I note that more pressure is applied more expectations and little or no reward is returned. If you are not careful, you become the expert you is attached to that expertise and your fragility is disregarded. If you are not careful, persons begin to expect you to carry them, because “oh I can’t do this and you are good at it, so help me here,” becomes “do this for me , send this, I tried but only you can do it”. You end up exhausting yourself trying not to disappoint everyone and keeping that halo others have knighted you with. So, the task now is to use my talents to help and not carry others. To say no when I realise that my kindness has become a weapon against me. What about you?

Letting Go…

Since this pandemic I have spent a little more time away from certain people and I realise this is a good thing. Through this semi-isolation period I have come to realise that the presence of some persons only serve to make me more anxious, less productive and less happy. So I don’t call, they don’t call and we are all happier that way. I also no longer watch things that cause me anxiety, like the news or go on certain social media sites . I realised I was caring too much about things that did not matter, getting angry and anxious when I really should be taking the time to focusing on the things that really matter in my life, things that would impact me now. Instead I have withdrawn somewhat from looking outward and trying to find happiness in the people and things around me and really thinking about how I can control the things I can control. I can control me, my thoughts, my action and my sense of well being, but, it takes time and it takes will power.

You want people to think the best of you – or not it depends on your state of mind. Many persons want to be liked, to be admired to be recognised for doing good, for being good. However, for me this is no longer important, instead what I want to do is protect my peace of mind. This may mean offending others or may be perceived as offensive to other but you can never please everyone; therefore, we need to have a greater sense of being in control instead of allowing ourselves to be controlled by external forces and influences that have their agendas.

And if you try to find that peace and become swept away by the chaos around, reach for that shipwrecked debris to stay afloat, drift your own way and ask yourself, “Where is my peace in the midst of this chaos?”

Stop Searching…

It seems there is always another mountain to conquer for so many people. When you are young you have to chase that dream, that elusive success or thing that will get you in. Some people spend their whole life chasing after things that they never should have chased in the first place. “They just maybe a better way, a better job, a better person, waiting for me somewhere” or so too many tell themselves. They never stop and appreciate all that they already have. Instead they continue to chase those things until they get to the cliff’s edge and in their desperation leap and fall.

From such a fall there is no redemption, no way to rewind and do things over. Instead they must accept their fate and either fight the inevitable or give in. So, before we get to the edge we need to step back, stop and think. “Have been chasing pavements all this time? This is what we need to know, what we need to decide. There are many no longer here with us who never had the chance to have this moment. Now they are gone. But we are still here and in a quiet moment of all the world’s noise, we need to decide to stop searching for things. To stop searching for wealth, health and happiness. To know that we an create happiness right where we are, right now. Stop chasing after the perfect time, because each time we reach for it it steps a little past our finger tips – and we only grab air…

Oh what we find,
 when we stop searching.
 Oh what we find, 
when we stop forcing.
 Oh what we receive, 
when we stop fearing. 
Oh what we become,
 when we just love. 
                      Creig Crippen

Pretty Lies, Ugly Truths, You Choose.

We all care about he aesthetics of things. Though we are often told that “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”, we all like to be surrounded by things we and society deem beautiful, even lies. In many instances we have allowed ourselves to be led, to see false narratives as the truth, untainted, because it pleases “me” to do so. We are quick to see beauty in things that have been made to look so, an optical illusion that hides many many ugly truths. The truth is too real and too painful for too many and so many are willing to cover it, stifle it or kill it in order to live lives of lies. We accept the unspoken rule that some things should never be spoken because they are unpleasant and too many turn away from the ugliness right in front of us to stare at mirages that spring from our imagination.

Lies become beautiful, seemingly harmless nuggets that attract the sensibilities and lull us into a false and piteous sense of security. You see lies hold prominence because so many want to be convinced of them, they want to hold tight to them and so they are whispered time and time again until they are in grained in many psyches. However, they are fools gold that rust easily when correctly challenged but many of us are not brave enough to look the ugly truth in the eyes – many of us would not survive such exposure. This of course does not stop many from flirting with those lies, because they are so tempting, many reflecting and aligning with many of our desires.

So, on one tables lies a buffet of tempestuous lies, disguised as very tempting morsels that will delight the palette and beside this are only the bitter pills of truth that may hurt and cause acid reflux; Which will you choose. Whether we spread them or we believe them sometimes lies are hard to reject because they have become the basis for how we exist in this world. Each day, each lie that we accept makes it less likely for us to understand how far we have sung in a web we may have helped weave to trap ourselves in. But, we must be willing to finally break free from that web, to be honest enough to see things for what they are and not what we always wished them to be. “The truth will set us free” they say. There is nothing more freeing than not living within the bounds of pretentious smiles and fake interests. From returning the cult membership of being on trend with the lies we tell ourselves because we want to fit in somehow.

Now, what will you choose? Will you choose to embrace those pretty lies that may lead to more complications down the road – but not right now of course – or, truths that paint a realistic picture with all the gore and grime that lies never truly erase, but instead covers for consumption later, much later? Each day we have a choice to make, to go along to get along or be the truthsayer and disrupt those false narratives.

Broken Mirror

Broken mirror 
shattered soul
splintered into the four dimensions.
Some lost
never to return
pieces buried too deep.
corrupted soul
cursed to suffer
for seven years times eternity
cursed to never be whole again.
should it be dust
or buried by a tree
or left to flow down South.
But
Broken mirror
Do
become many mirror too.
Each containing a piece of you
you can return to.
Look at each and try to place
the missing pieces back together again.
Look closely and grab the light 
reflected towards you
a different light
that leads you to look at things
 differently.
Broken mirror
tells a story 
of how you transformed
despite the odds
to become a unique you.

Heart’s Ease

Heart's  Ease

Feel
heal
see
hear
and know Tranquility.
Welcome peace 
and goodbye chaos confusion and willful desire.
close your eyes and see 
shades of all colours
yellow purple and white.
feel the topic breeze as it pulls you deeper into yourself.
The deep deep azure that sucks you into its depth
like the tantalizing call of a siren.
calm,
what you desire,
but first you must escape
your hate.
quietude the perfect bed fellow
possible only when you release everything pent up and diseased.
Grab the elusive Sun - 
flower and watch it bloom in you.
dance on the strength of the ancestors 
as you pluck for yourself
perennial rebirth
a lent lily
to press between the pages
of your life to make it bright.

The Sublime

The Sublime

In this moment I have found perfection.
Rays of  golden dust illuminate a path towards rest.
I take a deep deep breathe
And I know I am alive.

From this chaos
I snatch the beauty 
from a maggot infested world
And I know I am alive.

In this moment 
nothing matters.
I leave the giant behind
With no hair to let down

I step down from my tower.
I shake off the rusted chains
Free to roam
Free to find a home

Finally. 
I am alive.

Removing the Trash

Dreams still matter and dreams are still important. As many persons get older, moving from childhood to adulthood they stop dreaming. They believe the saying, “dreams are for losers” and begin to do and not dream. But a dream is a cherished aspiration, one that needs to be protected, nurtured and cared for in order to become activated. When we doubt our dreams and declare ourselves unworthy of them, we lose them and find it hard to recover them.

The trash we need to remove are the doubts in our ability and worthiness of having those dreams. When the world seems against our dreams we may start believing that they will never happen. We start becoming a part of the herd and walk right off a cliff. We begin to tell ourselves that we are too ambitious, too desperate or just not good enough to have those things or that thing we have dreamt about. That thing that got us up each morning ready to put with anything, because we knew one day our dream would be realized and then it would all be worth it. We start believing that “dreams are for those who sleep”. But we cannot listen to those fears, naysayers and doubters, especially when they are within.

We have to keep doing, even in the face of zero results. We have to keep chipping away at the rock until we see signs of the promise to be fulfilment, signs that eventual yield a trickle, a spout and then an outpouring. We have to take care of that dream, removing all the pollution, the trash that can stifle and kill it. We have to continue to be imperfect dreamers.