Author: Simone

It’s hard to leave traumas behind but it’s not impossible overcome them…

S.G

We all will have to deal with traumatic experiences in life that may stop our growth and prevent us from realizing our full potential. Many of us will also hear the advice regularly given to “get over it”, but it’s easier to say than do. Some seemingly small events may play a big part in the decisions we make and the actions we take that to some may seem trivial but not to those on the receiving end. Like my granny use to say, ” what’s joke to you is death to me.” Many times persons cannot relate because they have never had that experience. By the way we are all guilty of saying, “I understand what you’re going through”, when we really don’t.

You can always count on unpleasant surprises to undermine your goals but they should not stop you. If you do, how will you know the flip side of that negative experience? You have to persevere in order to experience the joy after the pain, the sun after the rain. Avoiding the trauma does not allow you to heal from it and therefore you will have to take the “bull by the horns” (another of my granny’s favorite expressions). Do not allow life’s traumas to paralyze you, but take action before they do. Know your vulnerabilities and work on them constantly; never give up. I have found little use in waiting on someone to save you, worst to sit and wait until things change. Take action when you have gathered enough resources, put God in front and be fearless. There is much truth in the idea that in order to experience change you have to “be the change you want to see”. The situation you want to get out of will remain the same if you do not take the often times difficult route needed.

It may take a lifetime to get over some traumas and we hope not to die trying. But it is not impossible. It is not only the Phoenix we can rise from the ashes, but we can also do this. What we need to remember is that once we have a beating heart, we are alive and once we have life there is nothing that can stop us from overcoming everything life throws at us.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” 

― Rumi

Solitaire: a single gem (such as a diamond) set alone

Loneliness is an emotion and being alone can be a choice

For many persons the thought of being alone can be terrifying – especially as we get older. So we fill our lives with things and people that are suppose to bring us a sense of connection in the land of the living. Others love to be alone and find it difficult to keep up a constant stream of socializing.

Which one are you? Or do you find yourself caught somewhere between the two or even somewhere completely different?

Most times I love being alone. And it’s really sad that a lot of persons find it hard to accept or understand. I feel less pressured to “keep up appearances” and just let everything hang out and be myself. When I’m alone I can truly think for myself without anyone to censor me or burden me with their expectations. But I do not like being alone for too long. I still love to be around people and to have meaningful discussions with people I want to hear from. Or just say and do silly things; laugh out loud and have some truly hilarious interactions with my friends. I also love to be around people whether I know them or not. Because I also love to learn about others and their world.

Loneliness can be very depressing and debilitating. When you are lonely you begin to feel as if you are disconnected from everyone and everything around you. It may have started at an early age or as you got older. But wanting to be alone and loneliness have one thing in common. They never last. You may decide to be alone right now and one hour later you are over it; or it may take six months, a year or ten! We may also think we are lonely until we are not, and then we realize, “I really wasn’t I was just experiencing FOMO”.

Another thing we need to be mindful of is that loneliness and being alone can be negative. Loneliness is a state of mind and play tricks on you. You may feel alone and isolated when you really are not and it could be all down to your mental state. Remember I said I like being alone to be with my thoughts? Well it turns out that if you are alone too much with your thoughts, you can actually create epic battles and disagreements with people who truly are just living their lives not thinking about you or your problems. We may begin to over analyse everything and wind up being truly delusional. Not good!

It’s about balance People

We need to create a balance. This can happen when we are in tune with ourselves and can recognize when being alone is hazardous for our well-being and when loneliness stems from a truly dark place that we need to address. We do have the power to make our experiences not only meaningful for us, but others around us. Both can be the change you need as sometimes it’s better to be alone and we can learn and grow from the experience. And it’s also the case that when we realize that we feel lonely then we need to address the root cause to truly get over it. There is no time limit on either and we cannot always control when we experience both. But what we can do is to always be honest about why we are where we are in our journey and give ourselves the gift of our own time and energy needed to reach the other side and say, ilikuwa nzuri (it was good)!

True strength lies not in taking action, but doing so only after you have listened intelligently

There are times when you think you are doing what is right. When you see persons and you begin to admire them because they seem to be the exception and not the rule. We admire people who are able to sway others and convince us that what they do is for the greater good. But we need to be careful of the true intentions of persons we admire. Admiration can turn into hero worship and then to plain and simple worship. We become fixated on that person and every move they make becomes our problem and we know more about them than we do about ourselves. We make them our idols. Our waking thought becomes how to be like that person, how much we love and admire and respect them. But we never stop to think why this is so. What have they really done to earn this idol worship?

We do not owe anyone that level of adulation; we can respect them for their choices, without supporting them. We can recognize talent but also acknowledge how that talent may become a hazard to those around them. In other words, we need to check our intentions concerning persons we choose to admire. There are many messages that on the surface seem harmless, but they were created that way for the purpose of deceiving many. Take the word idealist for example, it can mean having lofty goals – which is good – but, can also mean being out of touch with reality – not good. It really comes down to context. When there is unease with some things that seem good, we prefer to wear blinkers and generally accept these messages not because we’re convinced, but because we do not want the wave to leave us behind. So we follow along like sheep to the slaughter, aiding and abetting our demise.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free

John 8:32

What is missing from the conscious psyche of many today is Shama (Hebrew word sh’ma – hear and understand) –the ability to listen with intelligence. Somehow we have to be able at all times to pick sense out of nonsense (as my granny use to say). We need to be willing to ask questions instead of accepting ready made answers given to us. We need to dig deeper to what’s hidden beneath the surface. It also brings to mind the saying, that all that glitters is not gold. The messages that we receive and accept, sometimes take a lot of time to craft just right to capture us; sometimes, the devil is in the details, and we have forgotten to put The Creator in it .

It’s easy to be distracted by all that is said, but maybe we need to pay attention to what is not said. To ask the questions that no one is asking and be willing to accept the truth instead of fearing it. But in order to do this we first must be willing to recognize the truth and not a version of some fantasy we have created to mask the ugliness of reality. We must be willing to confront the truth and use it to act wisely. We need to be willing to hear so clearly that we understand so well that we obey naturally. The hardest part for many is acceptance!

Nobody can teach me who I am.

― Chinua Achebe

Do you want to feel powerful – better yet, be powerful? Do you want to take back your power,to feel in control? Well what or who are you waiting on?No one can make you anything you were not originally created to be. If you think that someone has made you who you are, rest assured that the “you” they have created is dependent on that person and not you.

If you want to be sure about a decision but don’t know how to, and you have gotten ten different people to give you advice; stop and look no further than that small voice begging to be heard. If you consult it, and it is calm and balanced then continue, you are about to make the best decision for you and not those ten people who gave you an answer based on their own unconscious desires.

At this point you may be thinking of giving up, all this time it’s been one crisis or another and you are tired. Wait. The reason the pressure is on, is because things are about to take a turn for the better, hang on just a little longer. Even if the one branch left seems too slender to hold your weight; It will not break but bend.

And if you can remember why you started all those years ago, then it’s not a problem, you will get there anyway. Even when you felt at one point that you were going in circles as time slipped through your fingers, it’s not a big deal. Your goals may seem far away but you have come to the realization that what was once on the mountain peak is now on the plain. What was ahead is now in front of you and before you know it, will be behind, only a memory to take our and admire from time to time.

And (not if) when you reach this point, there is a whole new adventure waiting just around the corner.

You have a fullness you need to bring out. It’s not an emptiness you need to cover up with things…

― Ayi Kwei Armah, Fragments

We think of new beginnings when the new year rolls around, we make resolutions and we are excited for what’s to come. But how about making new beginnings when the time is right for you? In a year, in a lot of societies, there are four distinct seasons: autumn, winter, spring and summer – but not here in the Caribbean! If there are four seasons why should we limit our season of new beginnings to one time of the year?

What if we did not wait for a new calendar year to roll around to let go and free ourselves of past disappointments, failures, and regrets? There shouldn’t be a timeline on when to make a fresh start. When something stops working do we continue as if it’s business as usual? Therefore, why should we be restricted to an unfulfilling present when we can mature into a situation that holds a greater chance of us optimizing our potential? When we do not actively pursue the opportunities for new beginnings, we have become our own jailers. When we tenaciously hold on to that burning building, we are killing ourselves, and there is no one to blame for this untimely death, but the person looking back in the mirror.

Instead, we need to assemble our own caravan and begin our new season, when it is right for us. For it is impossible to move on the plans of another person, because those plans have been tailor made for them by the creator. To do so would be to always be in the shadows of sunset and not the glow of dawn. But we should also remember that as we step into this new season, we may have to leave some of our treasures and misbegotten gains behind, (friends, family members and even some well loved but of course destructive nemeses). But most importantly, as we begin to step forward we need to ensure that we leave all brokenness behind in our yesterdays. Instead we may have to look out for persons and signposts that can get us to where we need to be in this new season. Find others who have also been enlightened to the truth of seizing the moment and stepping into new situations.

And if you are still afraid to believe in your new season, remember the words in Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.