Finding your happy place – Page 6

Living With Extremes.

Most of us think in extremes and therefore live in extremes. We will not admit it but there it is none the less. We have been gifted it, we developed it and carefully craft it as a “all or nothing” mentality. Having such a mind set leads to more and more stress and eventually off our course.

We either stifle the dreams or the potential we have with our uncompromising attitudes, slashing at items and actions that have not been perfectly conceived or executed from the jump. I have seen how this has compromised my own development as a person. I believed that if something was not done right, forget it and give up. However, the idea to “do it right or not at all” is often times taken the wrong way in my estimation.

The phrase is usually seen as a call to striving until you achieve your goal. However, it can also be taken to mean that we don’t make a move until we know we are doing things perfectly. This mindset does not believe in learning as you go, but breezing through unhindered because you waited for the right time, the right set of circumstance and with everything you need already laid out before you. From this angle then, something that could have taken a few days, takes months or even years. By then, ironically, you have succumbed to the not at all aspect to the phrase unintentionally, and begin to wonder where the time went.

“Anything doing is worth doing well”, is true also. But we can’t expect everything to go the way we want them to go. So, we say we are waiting until things are perfect! What, gives us the idea that we can do anything perfectly? We give ourselves too much credit. Therefore, we delay because we are waiting until things are right and end up with the wrong P. We end up with PROCRASTINATION instead of PERFECTION.

Those among us who operate in extremes can do so for the wrong reasons. We cannot see when we are wrong and so continue down a path that really is a circular maze, with no beginning and no ending. We continuously find ourselves in the same place and wonder each time how we ended up here. We ask ourselves and others why we have not advanced further and find every excuse and no solution.

Many have noted the good aspects to being extreme, in that it can lead to success and give you a sense of purpose. However, if living by an extreme mindset has limited us, maybe we need to take one step at a time instead of thinking that by working out the science long enough, we can jump the whole staircase to get to the top.

Image result for life is full of give and take give thanks and take nothing for granted

Just So…

…We have not wings, we cannot soar;
      But we have feet to scale and climb
By slow degrees, by more and more,
      The cloudy summits of our time.
The mighty pyramids of stone
      That wedge-like cleave the desert airs,
When nearer seen, and better known,
      Are but gigantic flights of stairs.
The distant mountains, that uprear
      Their solid bastions to the skies,
Are crossed by pathways, that appear
      As we to higher levels rise.
The heights by great men reached and kept
      Were not attained by sudden flight,
But they, while their companions slept,
      Were toiling upward in the night.
From: The Ladder of St. Augustine by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The poem, The Ladder of St. Augustine, by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, is a reminder that nothing happens before it’s time. The old adage, “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, applies to all of us as we traverse this life. However, once a goal or dream is achieved, it will remain in the minds, hearts and eyes of those who experience it directly or indirectly. It also reminds us of our humanity. The fact that we can only operate within the limits of our capabilities and not vicariously through others. further, each person will reach their destination at different times and such a destination may be in different locales, some higher than others.

Standing on what too long we bore
      With shoulders bent and downcast eyes,
We may discern — unseen before —
      A path to higher destinies,
Nor deem the irrevocable Past
      As wholly wasted, wholly vain,
If, rising on its wrecks, at last
      To something nobler we attain.

This very motivational poem also reminds us of the need to move on from the wrecks which impede us on our journey. Instead of being buried under the rubble we must stand on them; make them our stepping stones when the path is covered by the landmines we are aware of and those we are not. To see the past, not as something to be ashamed of, but something that has provided us with the tools that we need, to navigate the uncertainty of the present and possibilities of the future.

Image result for heights of great men quote

Wherever You Are Led.

We can’t give the best of what we don’t know or are aware of. Doing your best is easy if you know how to go about it. The idea that our intention matters has some merit but if the execution leads to more complications, not so much. You want to do the right think but often times it’s hard to know what is the right thing to do. It becomes so complicated when you are being told ten different ways to go about getting something done or even about the person you have to engage with. I have tried to do what is right in several instances and have often failed. One of the main problems is that I never settle on an approach that has worked for me, but am quick to try something else because I want to find the “best way”. I didn’t take the time to recognize the knowledge I had gained for my own personal use, but instead kept chasing a formula that had been created by someone else. One that worked for them.

Image result for don't be pushed by your problems be led by your dreams

It’s important to always be expanding. So, it’s important to never get defeated by the mistakes we make when we don’t know better. Instead, we need to gain knowledge and develop the art of using the knowledge we gain to inform our decision. There may be times when we know what to do, but doing what we have to do may seem like a lot of work. However, if we want to experience change we have to get up and work towards that change. So, just like many people I need to move outside of my comfort space and shake things up. Often times it is in this way that we stumble upon people and things that expand our world and experiences.

It’s funny and not so funny when you’re blind to what’s in front of you, because you lack the knowledge to see. Many people look beyond the potential of what they already have because they see the finish product of someone else’s potential. We don’t realize that just like many we look to, we have the same potential and even the same opportunities but we do not make use of it. We don’t need someone else’s strength to be strong and someone else’s journey to begin our own. Think of it this way, someone may give a negative review of somewhere terrible that they have been and your experience is the complete opposite. Maybe we need to reconsider whether our trash is actually trash or our treasure.

Image result for it feels good to be lost in the right direction

It’s hard to know when to shift our perspective and look somewhere else. You may be too stubborn, like me, to know when to give up and move on. I always thought this was a good thing until I got older, and started making my own decisions. I can be stubborn to the point of cutting off my nose to spite my face. When things get too painful, not hard, painful, I try and try and try. When things start failing I say, “well this must be a burden I must carry”. But, when we do things that bear no fruit in a reasonable time or seem to be driving us to the brink of madness or death, maybe we need to pull back and do a u-turn and move on. Yes it’s important to dig deeper but not in quick sand! When we find ourselves in that predicament it’s better to grab the branch you see or one that’s being offered and get out, fast.

It’s important to be confident in wherever you’re being lead, but make sure you’re being led by the right source. I saw this recently and it resonated:

Lean Into You.

Based on many stories available to us via mass media, it seems easy to flip the script and change the story of who we are. However, to do this we may need to cut ties that we have depended on all our lives and habits that are easy to spot but hard to break.

What is it about hearing the stories of others that seem to motivate us so much? We usually love to hear the success stories of others, especially when those persons had to overcome some serious challenges. We hear are inspired and feel invincible by those stories. But, it is their story, their triumph and their success. While we celebrate with them, as we should, we cannot remain on their cloud nine to live our lives.

We can never be like anyone else no matter how much we wish we could. There are too many among us who feel that we can be like this person or that person, and so we try to copy what they have done to the T and paste it onto ourselves. We may deny doing that but, when we act the way they act or do the things they do or eat what they eat do the same exercise, use the same hair product and so on, we are not trying to find a formula that works for us, but using one meant for the person we are trying to be like.

Image result for lean into your fall gif

Maybe we need to put a little more effort into leaning into who we are. Imagine all our lives we have been influenced by others. Can we say how much of that influence has shaped us into who we are? I realized that I was good at imitating people and becoming who they expect me to be. At first, when I realized that I was doing this, I did feel like a fraud. I had gotten so good at it that it came naturally. However, when I realized this was a thing I did, I decided to make the effort to change. I started to ask myself all kinds of questions. What did I like and not like? What type of friend did I want and wanted to be? What kind of music did I like? There were many more questions, but the point was that I made the effort to discover things about myself that had nothing to do with trying to impress others. As I made the effort to learn more about myself, I had very little room to worry about who I most wanted to be like, instead I was more concerned about being honest with myself so that I could show up as myself each day to those I interacted with.

But, it is hard to lean into yourself when people only want to see the you they can digest or tolerate. They don’t want to see that you have flaws, because the version of you they have in mind aligns with their snapshot of you. They may not want the movie reels that might reveal your being human instead of an image created or forged for the consumption of others.

There has to be a way out. Often times when we feel trapped, this is the first thought we have. We can also have this thought when we are no longer satisfied with living up to the expectations of others. We then wonder, what can we do? I have found that the best way out is not to seek the answers from anyone outside of yourself. The best way out is simply to trust and into the Almighty and lean more into who you are.

Not Work, Care.

Many famous or successful people will tell you that you have to work hard to achieve your goals, you have to keep burning that mid-night oil; and as one of our past Prime Ministers here in Jamaica once said, she was always, ” working, working, working.” But when I think about it, is working yourself out of relationships, your health and your peace of mind so important and worthwhile?

Many persons have compromised who they are to reach where they want to go and I have to ask, is this real success?

Image result for working hard to succeed gif

Some may say I’m asking because I have not achieved their level of success, but,that’s not where I’m coming from. I have seen or heard, in my space and other spaces, of people who re really talented who are not super wealthy or super successful, in term determined by a few, who seem to be happy with their lot in life; who just seem normal. In a world where being normal is seen as basic, their normalcy becomes refreshing. It is those who are always striving, reaching for the star just ahead who seem to now be doing too much, going too far and in the process losing the light that they where born with.

At any cost. That is what some people accept as the way to be successful, which can cause someone to lose sight of what it really means to care about the things that should matter. One of the things that require our attention more than gathering wealth, is to confront the traumas that have given us the urge to seek the applause of the crowd by working long and hard.

Image result for selfcare and success quote

Success is as success does. Before going on this grand adventure, many people do not ask what success will mean in their own lives. So, you get the things you set out to get and then you wonder why you wanted them in the first place. Could it mean that there is something internal that is damaged, that having those things can never fix? If so how much is this need for success driven by destiny or some childhood trauma? I think it’s important and necessary to question why you want to achieve certain things, because if we don’t, we run the risk of having someone else’s mountaintop experience.

Bird in a gilded cage. Whether or not we want to admit it the result of success may not be triumph but a gilded cage – much nicer than the one we were in before – but a cage none-the-less. Thinking that we are working to better our lives and the lives of those we love, can blind us to the true state of our situation and not see that instead of approaching he finish line, we are about to fall over a precipice. Sounds scary, but true. Instead of addressing one problem, the need to get that “bread” can create many more that is harder to fix with the success we may get.

Awareness and care are one and the same. If we really want to get to where we should be, and not where we were never meant to be, then it may be time to question whether we strive from a place of brokenness or if our journey is fueled by the will of the Almighty.

Image result for success comes from the almighty quote

Stick With It.

When something seems hard to achieve, stick with it because it always brings something good.

We are really good nowadays at giving up too quickly. We sit and think about everything that could go wrong, that has gone wrong and we decide what we want will never happen. We turn our backs, abandoning what might have been for what will never be. Today I felt so tired I thought I would have a panic attack. In the past the thought of having one, would lead to one. However, today I stayed calm and smiled through the anxious moments to survive the day. So, I ended the day feeling happy, energized and contented, even though I had eaten very little and done a lot. I was even surprised how quickly the day seem to have gone by. If I had given in to that feeling and let it win, I would have never known the sense of accomplishment I felt at finishing out the day.

Let us walk with God so that our walk will be filled with only good days. This morning I left out for work in the dark, but I never felt afraid walking through Spanish Town before 6 a.m. in the morning. It never entered my mind to feel fear. To question what was just around the corner. At every turn I did not question what I would find because I had already invited God to walk with me. So, when I was just about to cross the road to continue my walk, I was blown by a car! It was Mr Martin, he picked me up and I reached work the earliest I had ever reached! But I know that with every experience, what we consider good or bad, if we don’t want to, and invite God to walk with us, we will never walk alone.

We are stronger than we think we are. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit concerning what we can endure. It could be that there are things we think we could never do. It has nothing to do with the fact that we can’t do it, but more so because we don’t want to try, out of fear or indifference.

When we crash, it may seem easier to give up than try to find our way back to the land of the living. However, since we don’t know what we are capable of until we find we have no other choice, let us stick with it till whenever.

Good Days Only.

Now this is a mindset I will work with. No matter what happens, there are no bad days.

I recently came across the expression, “no bad days”, and thought well wouldn’t that be great! However, the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if it’s as simple as deciding to have a positive outlook even when things don’t seem so positive.

Often time we talk about having good days and bad days, however, how we perceive things can determine whether or not our day is good or bad. How we react to the things that happen to us is what really matters, not that things go wrong. In life it is impossible for something not to go wrong, but being upset or even getting nasty about it only makes it worse; it is at this stage that we really have a bad day. We can’t see beyond that one bad moment and think logically through it. Instead we marinate on it and allow ourselves to really have a bad day.

To have a good day, we need to turn our back on the things that can cause us to view life negatively. Instead of dwelling on it and giving it life, we can diminish the power it has to undermine our positive outlook, by not remaining in it. When things do not turn out the way we want them to, maybe it wasn’t suppose to be. So, we need to let go of what we can’t control and do the best we can.

To really see the glass half full, we need to be humble and stay calm in moments where our good days are under attack.

	Simone on Freedom from maladaptive …
	Farrah on Freedom from maladaptive …
	Simone on Maladaptive Daydreaming
	Priscilla on Maladaptive Daydreaming
	Simone on Maladaptive Daydreaming