Author: Simone

Loves to tell and hear untold stories about people, places and experiences!

Doctor’s Visit

Well I went to the doctor and it only confirms that the change was sorely needed. Since my last visit in March I have gained 11 pounds! I knew I was heavier, my clothes and body told me so but still it was a big surprise how much. Since turning 16 years old I have not been this heavy. However the visit was not just about my weight gain, but a way for me to take back control after feeling powerless for a long time. I have already told know it will not be easy, but as the doctor said the weight has got to go! However, eating too much was not the only cause, not only do we need to take care of our physical health but more so our mental health. I have not been stressed in a long time and it really took a toll on my body, mind and emotions. It really is true that your mental and physical selves are so interwoven that the breakdown of one leads to the breakdown of the other. What made this period worse was that I felt I had no one who would understand what I was going through. I have felt so alone in this period than I have for a long time.

waiting room

Visiting the doctor lifted a burden I did not know I had, off my shoulders. There were certain fears about my health both mental and physical that I had not voiced to anyone around me and it made me feel good to share it. It was good to feel I was in a non-judgemental space where I could unload a bout something that would lead to absolutely no judgement. So now I don’t fear the doctor as much the next time, and I won’t wait so long to go the next time. for the rest of the year, I plan to visit the doctor every month and get the necessary tests done to do my part in ensuring I am as healthy as I can be – under the circumstances. However this is just the beginning. While it is true that your health is your wealth, I also feel honesty in all areas of live is crucial moving forward. I hope this will lead to less future misunderstandings and hurt feelings with those I come in contact or have relationships with.

While we do our best to cope with the changes still ahead, we should never forget that we need to constantly assess how we are positively impacting the lives of others. I will do my best to encourage those around me to take their physical and mental health seriously. I am slowly realising that it is not enough that whatever change each of us experience just benefit us, but it should also be beneficial to those who need to see and experience the change along with us.

So I am committed to this journey, I do not know where it will take me but I hope I never feel as if I am taking the journey alone again.

Time For a Change.

So 2020 continues to be a roller coaster of little highs and many lows. Since this year I have packed on the poundage and fallen all the way off my exercise game. To make matters worse, even though it seems like eons ago, it was only January that I was in the best shape of my life. I took it for granted. Then I started to get sick all the time – well more than usual which is saying a lot. So I was sick and it seems since March I have not fully recovered.

Now I have to face the reality of my situation. I have to go to the doctor. I need to take back control instead of eating poorly and feeling sorry about where I am at. Though I have come to dread going to the doctor based on a lack of trust relating to whether or not they can truly help me, I have decided to be as proactive as I can be. Plus something’s been telling me to go, so I am going.

I have also decided to cut back on going on social media and today was the most productive day I have had in awhile, and I am not talking about the erratic productivity that sees you doing everything and still getting nothing done. I have completed the full draft of my Masters paper, something that in January seemed impossible and I feel like something has changed overall today. There has been a shift and I hope this is the beginning of a more fruitful period. I remain hopeful and faithful.

So, today I also ate what I consider to be quite well. I was not constantly hungry, stuffing myself without rhyme or reason and then being sick of it all after. However something strange happened today. I got up, did the necessaries and then exercised and actually ate something reasonably healthy and this continued throughout the day. I will do my best to continue this but I know it will take time and patient – something I did not get enough of at birth.

Above are meals that not only kept me fueled all day but which were also very tasty. These meals represent the signs that change is possible if we do our part. When all the ingredients necessary are provided, it would be a crime to ignore them and let them go to waste. You never know what form that change will take, you just need to make sure you recognise the signs and take action.

It is time for a change and it will not happen unless we pay attention to the signs and make the change possible by taking the necessary route and making the first step speak to the fact that you have a plan. Today was a good day because I decided to take hold of the opportunity to make it so. Will you do the same?

Keep It.

When God tells you His plans for you and a blessing is on the way, how about we keep it?

It is good to feel confident in telling someone you trust your secrets, desires or about a blessing on the way. However, you should keep it real close to your heart and not share it.

Many friendships have not stood the test of time because someone just had to share all the wonderful things they had going for them. There is a reason it says in Matthew 6:3 not to let your right hand know what your left hand does. Though it is in reference to giving to the poor, we can also recognise the importance of remaining silence in order to allow the will of God to manifest within the time it is suppose to.

I remember a couple of years ago a wise lady told be something, then warned me about telling anyone who may become jealous. However, I had this one person I thought would be happy for me and I told her, and as you guess it is still blowing up in my face. Since then I have been constantly reminded of the need to keep most, if not all, things private. I also recognise the importance of not living in a moment that has not been given to you as it and to never think or act out of pride. You see I felt good about what I had been told and I wanted to share with someone who would hype me up, but it didn’t happen that way.

If you really think about it, why do we want to tell others everything going on with us? Is it because we want to gloat and seek the praise of others? Sometimes we think our intentions are pure, but when we really examine our motives at times we realise that in the things we do there is often an ulterior motive. We also have to think, really think and be honest, does it even do something to boost our self esteem when everyone can recognise how good or blessed we are?

Often times we share without thinking whether or not this is something that the person needs to hear or even wants to hear. We regale them with ALL our blessings and slowly count them one by one before them. While, they stand their in their valley season listening to what we have and remembering what they do not. We have to consider whether it would be better for their peace of mind, for their own sense of worth if we were not so vocal about all these wonderful things we have or have to look forward to. Each person reacts to things and certain why that most times does not match your expectations of them. Instead of bombarding them with all our plans and blessings, maybe we should ensure that we do our part to ensure that we add value to the exchange; so, that everyone leaves feeling good and committed to their own path, instead of being stuck on each other’s journey.

For many of us it’s hard to be secretive and just shut up about what is happening or what we plan to do. however, we need to remember to operate in secret and when the time is right what needs to be revealed will be without any help on our end.

Stop Being Toxic!

Stop being toxic to yourself. I know it is easy to blame others for the way you are and the way your life turned out so far but doesn’t mean that it is right and true. What would be good is if many of us stopped paying so much attention to what someone else is doing. If we stopped getting our courage from what someone else does and start finding our own way.

I use to be in a panic when I realised that other persons were action, while I was sitting in the dark and now had to figure things out for myself, by myself. However, if we stopped looking, we wouldn’t trip ourselves up on someone else’s mess. It is quite necessary to stop and ask ourselves some important questions before we take action; questions such as:

  • who do I hope to impress here?
  • where will this take me?
  • am I acting out of desperation?
  • is this really based on my particular skill set?
  • have I been influenced by what others have said or done?
  • am I competing with real or imagined adversaries?
  • can I commit to seeing this out til the end?

If you really want to work on always being anxious and fearful, stop living your life based on the shortcomings you had ten years ago. I have tried the personality trait test about three times and I realise that nobody is destined to stay the same all their lives, unless they want to. No one is a fixed entity incapable of change, it is just that some do not want to change even when it is for their own good.

There is never anything good about copying and pasting someone’s life over your own and so those who do, need to stop trying to do so. There are many toxic persons out there and many are toxic to themselves. They don’t need anyone to talk them out of a good idea because they are faster, sharper and more deadly than their critics. Before an idea is formed they quickly shoot it down and when the opportunity passes they drag themselves from pillow to post until they are a nervous wreck.

So do yourself a favour and stop being toxic to yourself. Take the time to slow down before you take that next step and do not move, if not moved by the Spirit. Be kind with yourself and practise a little selfcare.

If we must Die…

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I was speaking to my students recently about Caribbean poets and Claude McKay came up. Unsurprisingly, they were only vaguely familiar with his name. In some instances I have seen him listed as an American poet, an error which sought to erase his humble Jamaican origins. Born September 15, 1889, in Sunny Ville Clarendon, he eventually made his way across America and Europe, gathering worlds of experiences to himself. He was best known for his invaluable contribution to the Harlem Renaissance in New York and was considered a literary voice for social justice. More than any of his masterfully crafted poems, the one that resonates with me today, is the poem, “If We Must Die”.

A poem that never fails to shake me out of a defeated mindset.

“Though far outnumbered let us show us brave”

“Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back

Though this Shakespearean sonnet…

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Lessons From My Garden.

A Garden brings a sense of purpose to many, it means a little exercise for some and to me I realise we the right mindset, there is so much we can learn…

Now let’s start from the top. The lesson I learned from the first photo is to see the beauty in everything. This dilapidated plant stand was once beautiful and strong. It was once relied on to hold all those plants that surround it. Now, it has lost its original purpose but it adds a rustic beauty to the scene. Also those plants now help its beauty to shine even brighter.

Next, is my peace spot. plants of different lengths and strength intertwined to offer a shield of peace in a place that offers little shelter from the real world. It teaches me that when you find that peaceful spot you must take the time to appreciate it. It also reminds me of the importance of having that oasis in a seemingly barren land, one that gives joy peace and happiness.

After this, there is the star fruit tree. Though small and young it has provided six crops already! It reminds me that age was never a limitation. The limitation comes from the impositions placed on age by society. The tree cares little for expectations and bears when it is ready. It doesn’t care for anyone’s timeline, except its own and because of this we can appreciate both its generosity and beauty in both bloom and bearing.

These two stalk of scallion were planted by untrained hands. There was little expectation and yet they decided to live. It reminds me that it is not whether others belief in you but if you believe in yourself. If you believe in yourself enough for everyone else there is nothing you can’t do or be. Your strength comes from within and is dependent on your will given to you by the Almighty. Though few will be there who really believe in you, believe in yourself and forget about the rest. You will get there in time.

Then there is this yam tree that thrives in a once barren space. It was the site of a traumatic event. A coconut tree struck by lightning, never to recover. Before it was planted by my aunt noone thought it could ever be redeemed, no one deemed it useful. Now this once barren hole brings forth life once, life that will feed nourish and make whole.

surrounded by a bean tree is the ruins of a limes tree. It was once tall, full and fluffy and bore limes until all its branches bowed to the ground. The limes on that tree was almost the size of a good sized lemon! Many persons benefited from that lime tree and we thought it would never stop giving. Then last year it became one of the many victims of the drought season. Of course we were in denial of its dying because it had been so strong and generous. Weaker trees had survived, why could it not? However, it still died even though we tried to save it, it was its time. However it still stands because it was needed. It was needed to offer support to things still alive. Death is always in the middle of the living and vice versa and sometimes the dead become the shoulder that the living stands on to realise its potential.

The final picture is that of a beautiful flower that fell down, we thought it was dead. Though it fell it did not die. It found a way to thrive where it had fallen and to not only add even more beauty, but more importantly hope. I gathered hope that if I fall I can still shine. If I fall where I did not begin or hope to be, I can still thrive and flourish. It is not where you end up but what you do while you are there.

There are many lessons we can learn from so many unassuming things, if we only take the time to really look closely.

I Don’t Want to Exist, I Want to Live!

If you died today what would your legacy be? I have thought about this and for me it is still up in the air. I guess it’s not up to me to answer that question; time will tell and so will my eulogy. I realise that sometimes the view we have ourselves differ greatly from the view others have of us. Some feel the need to write their own eulogy, just to be sure. I have been teaching for thirteen years and I often wonder if I have done enough with all the wonderful talents I have been blessed. Have I done enough? Been enough, seen enough, lived enpugh!? Can these questions ever be satisfactorily answered?

There was a time that I was so passionate about what I did and I did my best to do what I did. However, as time goes by and the expectations of critics are not met, they begin to chip away at the budding confidence you had in your ability. They look and note that you have not ascended to the lofty heights they thought you would reach and they tell you; so, you begin to question whether or not you really did anything, whether what you did was enough. It becomes especially hard when you see others who have done so many things that they have been recognised for and you begin to lose confidence in the little things you once thought were so great. May, you now feel, you are placed in a waiting room, because you disobeyed your call to action from God, then you begin to wonder if you are just drifting away.

But all I want to do is just live. I just want to live the kind of life I was intended to live, without fear worry or tears to cloud my vision. That is it, that is all. I don’t want the fame and I don’t want the fortune and don’t need the empty promises of who I could have been. In this moment without any more regrets and doubts about my place here at this time in history, I just want to live. This desire comes from a place that has never had time to heal properly from past wounds, it is too raw to touch, yet it yearns for sunlight. Above everything that this world could offer, all I desire is a chance to truly live a life free of expectations and perceptions, stereotypes and stereotypes. I want to inhale deeply and exhale freely and feel my heart swell with the joy of knowing that I have this gift that is worth more than silver and gold. We all need to just live and be allowed to live and any attempt to derail this is a crime against our humanity

There are so many landmines that people have to go through in this world, and many do not make it. There are unique problems that we each face that threaten our ability to live, some more than others. It is easy to become disenchanted by all the rocky mountains with loose rocks that come at our heads before we thinking about climbing those mountains. At the heart of everything is the one unchangeable truth, nothing is more precious than life. Nothing requires our full attention, but the desire to live.

Before we think of death, we have to deal with the business of how we will keep on living. We have to be aware of the value not only of our right to live but the right of all persons to live the life they have been given by God. It is a right that many are denied , a right that many do not know they have, right that should never be hijacked or denied. We should also keep in mind that we do not only fight to live, we also fight to realise the joy of truly be alive!