The Plight of the Harmony Seeker

When I was a child, I wanted to be a Nun or live on an island alone. I felt that life would have been so much better this way, and that is something I never unpacked. Instead, I have tried to go about the daily task of living like everyone seems to be striving to live. I did well enough in school to get a place at University and worried my way to an upper second-class degree. Right after leaving university, I got a temporary job that seemed promising. This opportunity led to a career I never planned for but was determined to work hard at, and I did. I worked hard to get better, to a point where I gained the ambition to move up in rank at some level within this career path. Eventually, I acquired a senior position after working hard to improve my skills. On paper, it seemed as if I was doing well, but I did not feel like I was doing well. I felt like a jellyfish just drifting, doing everything and nothing. Just going through the motions. I had worked hard and seemed to accomplish little except showing that I was a hard worker, dedicated to the job. I tried to please everyone, and I was immensely dissatisfied. I looked at my life and realised I still wanted to live on that damn island. I wish I could find somewhere away from everyone and everything I knew. Everything I had done was nothing I wanted to do, and I felt the weight of the wasted years, the missed opportunities to do what I wanted to do and be what I naturally was. It felt like it was too late. Then I started to panic. I had finally earned a position I thought would make all the work and sacrifice and stress worth it, and I felt defeated. I spent my twenties and thirties trying to do the right things and be the better person, and I did not enjoy those years at all. I spent them being resentful, nervous, suicidal, and battling severe panic attacks that saw me rushed to the hospital on several occasions, tied down to restrain me on one of those occasions. I have not recovered. I tried once to take my life, but at that time I was, for the first time, failing at everything, so that was a bust. I had an eating disorder that lasted over ten years. I was a mess! Yet, through all the mess, I had to go to work, be there for others and pretend to be okay, act strong. So, by the time I had gotten that position, I was sick and desperate…