I Must Go

I Must Go

I must go now
too long you've held me down.
- I'm not finding fault
because you loved me.
But you see
you loved me too much and now I must go find me.
I must break free
of the portrait you painted me to be

You see, I must find me.

To find this wisdom and maturity
that your love has denied me.

You see, I must find me.

It's not being selfish
it's surviving.

If I truly want to fit into me
then I must leave.
I will carry you 
everywhere I go
whether near or far.
You will be here
cheering me on.
But I must go.
To prove to all
what I can truly do and be,
when I know me.

My Story

My Story

My story is my own
nobody can write it.
Nobody can describe my heartaches
nor describe my gains
like I can.
Nobody can shed these here tears - 
cold as ice as they flow
warm and freeing when they disappear.
My life is my legacy
not house, car or land.
Not the children I will raise - 
they will have their own story.

My story cannot be bought or sold,
not determined by your need to create and fix.
When I tell my story
you will not know
      where it ends or
begin.

You will not know how to order it.

Not even I can tell you for sure
all of it 
because words will not be enough
to do the telling.

My story involves countless shades of colourful greys, 
sprinkled with moments of silver
all distinct all blended together.
It's not seamless.
There are moth eaten places.
Holes that can never be tacked together.
There are frayed section
They are mini artworks
not brokenness.

My story is my own;
no one else can take it
and tell it.

God is Good

May your struggles keep you near the cross
and may your troubles show that you need God
and may your battles end the way they should
And may your bad day prove that God is good...
                                                          (Jonathan McReynolds)



There was nothing really to complain about
really...
Look, I just could,
so i did
because it felt 
good.
I saw only myself
my vision
my dreams.
my my my 
meeeeeeee.
Look at me am I not beautiful, smart and capable.
I can do anything.

Yes you are, yes you can...

The only thing was,,,
yes?
The only thing was this pain.
Pain?
Yes this pain, not really pain just an annoying pinch.
This was bothering,
I could not order it around.
It stayed
lingered too long.

But...
Yes?
I could not fall,
I had done it after all,
all by myself,
it too shall fall on its knees to me!

But...
Yes? Go on.

Are you mocking me?

No my child continue.

It's getting worse, taking over.
I cannot think,
I can do nothing right...

Now I cannot move.
I cannot laugh.
All I produce are salty rivers of my misery,
floodgates that never seem to close completely.

I look back at
Me.
But I cannot see how I came from her!
There is nothing I can do
I am helpless.
I am hopeless...

Now I can barely move,
I am doubled over,
brought low.

With each halting breath I breathe,
I now Know - perhaps too late...

What is that my child?

I now know that
God is good. 

Don’t Rush



Don’t rush
Take it easy
I know you’re tempted
But don’t rush.

Haste makes waste

And all that – they say.
Endure…
Tolerate…
Forbear…
Three ducks in a row.
Don’t rush, you’ll get there.
Say a prayer from the rat race.
 
Waiting
is not a burden.
Restraint
saves lives.
Trust,
it’s a process.
Being alone,
is not aloneness.
 
Constant prayer,
Motivates you.
Rejoice in Hope
there, feels better.
Be patient in tribulation –
Dawn is around the corner.

Never Goodbye.

Dedicated to E. Smith

How could I 
completely let go of what has been
the better part 
of who I can become?

The memories keep me,
connected,
supply the food 
I need to sustain me.

Never goodbye.

For how can I say goodbye,
to the best,
the best and one of the brightest stars
that guided me?

How can I erase the memory,
of your boundless generosity?

I only left for a little while.
Because the world - 
had become too much for me.

I never forgot you.

But the shame of my neglect,
renders me a prisoner,
               who struggles to break-
free.

So remember this;

No matter how long it may be
No matter how wide I search for
                                                        me,

Until I find my way back to you,
it is never goodbye.

Memories

They are terrible bastards
they pick at you until they expose your corrupted flesh
careful to attack the softest and most putrid parts; 
a relentless nemesis, 
a constant friend

I reach out to them
if I stretch far enough
I can touch them,
with the tips of my fingers I almost,
feel them.
One floats by and it stares at me
it comes to me.
Coming at me.

I peek around a memory wall.
It becomes clearer.
Just when I think I am ready,
to step out of the shadows and embrace it - 
a searing pain pierces my heart
tears at my flesh.

I retreat.
Not yet, not yet, too much, too soon.
too much has happened
too little
time has passed.

I thought I had done enough,
not enough it seems.

I had not smiled, laughed or played 
enough,
to tear them from me.
When I think of you
the shape of your smile,
so pure...
A mole there
that reveals all my secret,
beauty engraved - no!
Branded in my mind
on my DNA.
It enriches now the soil I too will one day return to.
But not even there will  I 
escape them.

So here in my corner 
I huddle,
I will content myself with watching each sliver from a far.
Not yet!
I cannot look too deeply in the well of my memories.
But they are there,
and they are my comfort.