If I think too much about what I have been through I always come to the conclusion that nothing has ever come easy. And I find it crazy that some people look at me and I think I had the opposite experience. I have been told I look as if I have no care in the world or that I’m rich or some outrageous lie to that effect. I am always shocked how little people really know me, even when I have spent so much time around them.
What people don’t see…
Personally, there was a time when everyday was a struggle; I could not go one moment without acknowledging how unfair life was because I had to struggle for everything. It’s this sense of always feeling attacked by some mean-spirited dark cloud that will not leave you alone. I have thought, ‘poor me, I just can’t get a break; life always reminds me I not suppose to”. People often don’t see those struggles. They see the few times something seems to go right – for once – and decide that your life is better than theirs and somehow, though you know it’s probably a rusty spoon shining in the afternoon sun, they see a silver one. God knows why!
What you see…
And you, you see yourself getting smaller, weighed down by the piles of things that seem to be getting worse or going wrong. You question your role in this life and begin to think that life is playing a serious joke. Not funny.
There must have also been times – too many to count – when you thought you made it. There you were thinking you were about to glide right though this part because it seemed to work out just fine for everyone else; then, yuh buck yuh toe, sprawling everywhere. And of course, there was no one to catch you or break your fall. Not cute at all! But still you had to just carry on, because everyone’s thinking, compared to what you have, that fall was nothing big. But to you, you know that that “innocuous” fall could have done you in completely.
What you Need to see…
By now it’s no secret. Life can suck in so many ways. But I have had an epiphany – that seems to be happening a lot lately. Those times -numerous – you faced challenges, don’t have to be because you are sufferer generally. Those stories of defeat and small victories do not have to be constant calling cards that prove that your life is cursed. These ups and downs and sideways motions in your life can prove, that you my friend are living a very interesting life. If your live were a book would anyone want to read it? the times you tired and failed but still got up, is a master class in how to survive the muck and still be rosy. If you took a chance knowing you would fail and you did! But you tried again and again and again and again… until it worked one time, you have a story that will keep on giving; new twists and turns but never a dull moment. When you have been rejected and it hurt so bad that it stunned you but never killed you, then you have an experience that someone can take comfort in, because they are at where you were.
All those dessert desert moments that seem to outweigh that one oasis you eventually find, mean that you have something more valuable to offer than vague ideas. Mapping out your life is great, I guess, if it works? But your life is interesting because even though it can be crappy, there is never a done moment, because you roll and wrestle with the unpredictable punches.
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