Tag: Be authentic

Words Matter… Context is Everything.

Following up on my article yesterday about being referred to as being “nice” or “too nice”, I had exchanges with two people on the word nice and how it can be viewed and what it says about the person being described in such a way. I would like to put both responses and then give my own as well.

Response 1: I agree with this wholeheartedly. “Nice” often feels like a shallow label — something people use to box you into compliance, to make you more palatable, or to take advantage of you without acknowledging your depth. It’s a performance that benefits others more than it does you, and it comes at a real cost to your mental, emotional and even physical well-being. Kindness, on the other hand, is a deliberate act. It comes from strength, not obligation. It doesn’t require self-erasure or perfection but instead demands authenticity and discernment. Being kind means honouring yourself first, setting boundaries and then choosing to extend care when it’s genuine. That’s real goodness. You’re right, Moonshine, nice gets you drained, but kind keeps you whole, and there’s nothing wrong with disappointing people if it means you finally stop disappointing yourself.

Response 2: “Nice” is an adjective that describes something as pleasant, agreeable, or satisfactory, but it can also mean kind, friendly, or polite in reference to a person’s behaviour. I think nice is a word that has evolved over time. When you see the definition of nice in the quote, then you may start to feel happier about the word. The bible doesn’t use the word nice, it is true, but the language of the day may have needed more emphasis. I sense your hurt deeply. Try and reframe the word nice to the above definition when remembering, I’m not sure if that will help…

According to Google, the word nice originally meant “ignorant” or “foolish,” derived from the Latin nescius, meaning “not knowing”. Over centuries, it evolved through French and English into a broad range of meanings, including “fussy,” “delicate,” “strange,” “shy,” and “dissolute”. The modern meaning of “pleasant” or “agreeable” emerged in the mid-18th century and is the sense that has become most common today. It is fascinating that although the modern interpretation and meaning are positive, I still felt the negative connotation of nice as a label when it was spoken to me. Nice, based on my readings, can be a dismissive (back-handed)compliment, meaning that someone is viewed as overly accommodating to gain approval. Added to this is the idea that someone who is overly accommodating prioritises the needs, desires, and comfort of others to such an extreme that their own needs, well-being, and sense of self are consistently neglected, often leading to burnout, resentment, and being taken advantage of. So, being called nice is for me an insult because of the situations and conversations in which the word was said. Nice, on its own, can be taken at face value as something good, but even the person using it may not be consciously aware of it. When I look at my life, it has been chapters written by an overly accommodating person who has made too many decisions that were not based on my skills, talents or interests but out of the need for approval by society or people I come in contact with and establish some type of relationship. So I do not want to be nice. I want to evolve.

I want to evolve to just being kind. Now again, according to Google, “kind” has two primary meanings: a type or sort of something, and having a friendly, sympathetic, or benevolent nature. Both meanings stem from the Old English word gecynd, meaning “natural disposition” or “nature,” which itself comes from the Proto-Germanic root kundi-, related to kunjam (“family”) and ultimately the Proto-Indo-European root gene-, meaning “to give birth”. This root suggests an original sense of inherent nature, class, or generation, which evolved into both the concept of a “kind” or category and the sense of natural, positive feelings associated with one’s family, leading to “kindness”. Being kind is all about authenticity. From the definition and explanation above, I want to take the term “natural disposition” and, from that, look at its synonym “innate”. Innate means something that exists in a person or thing from birth, is an essential part of its nature, or is a natural, inherent quality rather than something learned or acquired through experience. Being nice is authenticity that does not require compensation or overcompensation. In the bible, the word nice is never used, but the word kind can be found in several scriptures:

Galatians 5:22-23 -“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Ephesians 4:32 -“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”.

1 Corinthians 13:4- “Love is patient, love is kind”

Proverbs 12:25: “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up”.

2 Samuel 9:7: “And David said to him, ‘Do not fear, for I will show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan, and I will restore to you all the land of Saul your father, and you shall eat at my table always. ‘”.

The bible is saturated with examples of Jesus engaging people with truth, challenging their behaviour, thoughts and intentions. Being kind means showing love, being compassionate, forgiving and upholding truth. It means uplifting others, reflecting the love of Christ. Being kind means having the courage to say no, even if it causes discomfort, speaking the truth, even if no one agrees or supports your action. Being kind takes strength, and it takes courage. One of the most vivid depictions of this is the incident where Jesus went into the temple and overturned all the commercial tables, saying, “Get these out of here! Stop turning my Father’s house into a market!”. It was not done to please those people but to save their souls, to save worshippers from exploitation. He was not nice, but he was kind. His motive was to save them and make them aware of their danger in carrying out such activities in the house of the Lord. In that situation, he did not focus on being agreeable or avoiding disturbances; he was not seeking followers and so was not concerned about projecting an image palatable to those he chastised. Further, he did not avoid the truth of the situation by remaining silent, nor did he do it expecting to receive applause. He was not trying to be nice, but he acted out of kindness even if the people at that time did not recognise it as such.

So when I consider all these, I have to say there is a value in being kind and not nice that I want to achieve. I do not want to be nice because nice has kept me silent, rooted and furled tight like a flower that is still waiting to bloom. The bible holds truths and lessons that cannot be negated, and one such truth is the importance and value of being kind. It’s nice to be nice, but it’s much more powerful and freeing to be kind.

“My life got better when I realised I didn’t have to be nice. Nice got me run over, stressed out, & disrespected. I’m not nice. I’m a good person.” (unknown)

No.

“NO is a complete sentence” – Breeny Lee 2020

When I heard these words above they resonated with me. When I heard that people pleasers can’t say no, I felt attacked. I realise now that I have been a people pleaser all my life, but it did not start that way.

When I was younger I was confident about what I wanted to do and how I felt about myself. No matter what anyone said about me or to me, it did not touch me. When I was leaving fifth form (grade 11) I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I was about to start. Then I caved to the pressure of my grandfather’s expectation and ended up doing nothing I wanted to do.

Being a people pleaser is really a drag and can lead to major anxiety and depression. I realise that there are people who ‘love’ me because they can depend on me to do what they want or expect me to do, but they don’t really know me. They don’t know me because they did not want to get to know me, because it did not matter. Those who do appreciate that I’m not just a ‘nice person’, that there are dimensions to me that make me perfectly imperfect. It is a lot of pressure when people expect you to do and say the right things all the time and when they have known you for some time and cannot appreciate the need for you, to make many mistakes and passionately oppose what they believe to be true. A lot of persons claim to like variety but they only like it in specific persons and put them in the variety box, while you are stuck in the one dimensional ‘nice person’ box they crafted for you. Tragedy strikes when you cannot keep up appearances and break code and show a side of yourself that does not match the box they put you in.

You bite your tongue until you draw blood rather than offend someone or, you stop talking. you find yourself playing a washed up role and get little credit for your efforts. I remember when my grandmother asked me once, when I was much younger if yes is the only answer I can give and I cheekily said”no!” However, I think back on that and looked at how much my life has mirrored that perpetually volly of yeses. It is true that by trying to please others you lose sight of your own path and end walking through worlds of wilderness that you are not prepared to walk though. In such wilderness you have very little strength on which to draw upon, because you are just a ghostly impression of yourself. You turn away and look back again and it has been six years in that wilderness and you wonder where the time went. You have fragmented memories of things that took place in that time and they don’t make one. good. day.

saying yes all the time can work your nerves until they are frayed because all the nos you could have said attack you in the darkest hour of the night. It can cause you to wonder about your purpose, because you are forever the cheerleader and not the star in your own show. There are all these talents and potential that you bury under the weight of other people’s expectations and you wait. You wait for a miracle that will save you from your timidity and resentment of being held back to help everyone that needs helping.

Well…..

You don’t have to. It is as simple as that. Just as it is simple to say no. It is a two letter word but many people pleasers like myself have a hard time with it. We get so embarrassed because we cannot meet everybody’s expectations, and I mean everybody that we know and want to please. The curse of being nice is that you are never your true self but a character woven; started by someone and elaborated on by you. Yes at the end of the day the biggest contributor to your position is your own misguided acceptance of the role. So, it becomes natural to see yourself as a fraud (whether intentionally or not) and eventually others begin to see the cracks. But because they do not know the hows and whys, they construct a new identity for you, something that does not match who you were are and can be. One that stunts your growth and leaves you going in circles.

So, being a people pleaser stops now. Do not be fake if something bothers you, and be honest with people. Be honest in your actions and by your words about what you stand for and against. Also, no matter how old you get, it is never too late to learn that the most important step in curing this curse, is by learning to say no and meaning it.